Accept me as I am

There are some expressions that have been so abused and wrongly exploited as to become plain platitudes. One such expression is "Accept me as I am".

About 20 years ago, a professional colleague who also was a close friend, sought my opinion on a personal issue that was stressing her out. A few weeks prior to our discussion, Mary (not real name) observed that her husband of about 5 years had been going into a lot of trouble to avoid intimate moments with her. When pushed to the wall one night as the couple lay in bed, Mary finally summoned the courage to confront him. Initially, her husband tried to lie by attributing his "negligence" to job stress. As his wife insisted however, the man finally told her on a blunt note that he had lately been turned off by her poor, unflattering physical appearance. Rudely shocked by this strange, embarrassing revelation, a barely-dressed Mary walked quietly toward the bedroom mirror. After a brief appraisal, she was able to confirm that her physical appearance had deteriorated. But in spite of this confirmation, the woman went into an instant state of denial by turning angrily at her husband. "So..." she asked in anger. "What is wrong with my physical appearance...?" Though a bit awkward, the man shrugged nonchalantly and turned away from his wife. With this state of affairs, both of them resorted to giving each other a cold, silent treatment.

The situation had remained this way until she decided to ask for my opinion. In a careful response, I asked what physical attributes she had that attracted her husband when they met and she answered "My inner beauty..."

Shaking my head, I asked "What inner beauty? When a man meets a woman for the first time, it's her outer beauty that attracts him. At that moment, inner beauty is a secondary issue that neither the man nor the woman cares much about until the two get to really know each other in the ensuing relationship."

Once again, I asked Mary what physical attributes she possessed that had attracted her husband when they met? Without mincing words this time, the woman managed a smile as she referred to her previously thick, curvy body.

Now on impulsive, I stepped back a bit to take a cursory look at her and realized that the said "thick, curvy" body had since degenerated into a grossly shapeless body. On noticing my obvious disappointment, the woman dismissed the issue angrily with a wave of her hand. "Listen, I can't be expected to look the same way I did before having a baby...and if my husband really loves me as he claims, he will accept me as I am now."

"Really?" I retorted. "So, in the name of love, you expect the man to accept you as you are even though you were never like this when he met and fell in love with you?" 

It's crazy how a lot of people in a situation such as this suddenly expect love to assume the role of some all-encompassing magical, "incredible hulk" that can make problems disappear and also be capable of being saddled with whatever emotional burden is hauled at it. Whereas, love is a practical, maintenance-driven feeling. It requires hard work to sustain and will manifest itself based only on certain reality.

In the example of Mary as described above, I believed her husband did love her but the manifestation of the love had been occasioned by her previously "thick, curvy" body. And as typical of most women who stop caring about their physical appearances as soon as they get married, Mary let go of her body on the excuse of a previous pregnancy and subsequent child birth. But as the attractive physical attributes of the woman were no longer in existence, it was only natural for her husband to be physically and emotionally turned off her. And instead of embarking on an urgent remedy by working toward getting back her "thick, curvy" body, she resorted to the usual idle escape route of "accept me as I am." 

Unfortunately, that lame expression rarely works, if it ever does, in solving problems in a marriage or relationship.