What Are You: Friend or Foe?

"Associate yourself with people of good quality,

for it is better to be alone than to be in bad company.”

– Booker T. Washington.

20 Kids Can Never Play Together for 20 Years.

There is a saying in my ancestral homeland (Nigeria); “Twenty children can never play together for twenty years.” This is a reality of life. But it does not enjoy recognition among many of my African American folks. They don’t know when to let go of the human, emotional and material baggage in their lives. For the youngsters though, the worst baggage is usually their old neighborhood “homies” or buddies.

Many of these young folks, especially the men, are often stuck in the past. It’s considered an attitude of “keeping it real” when a young, urban professional, sports personality or Hollywood actor gets stuck with buddies or “homies” in his past neighborhood. It does not matter that those buddies are not doing anything positive or productive with their lives. If they are not drop-outs, they are deliberately jobless or into some criminal enterprises.

Now into big-time career and famous, a typical African American young man will surround himself with these buddies from the past. It will have been a different thing worth commending if he reaches out to those buddies with the sole aim of uplifting them educationally or with some careers. No, he will only be interested in turning them into hangers-on, to boost his ego. Sadly though, the same buddies or hangers-on will, in most cases, turn out to be his nemesis. This reminds me of MC Hammer, Allen Iverson and many others. Where are their buddies who used to play the role of hangers-on?

There was also the sad story of a young African American rising basketball star who, at the beginning of his career visited his old, childhood neighborhood. There, he ran into some old buddies who invited him to take a ride in a car. The group soon drove to the entrance of a store. Leaving the basketball star in the car, the others walked briskly into the store, pulled out small hand guns and robbed the place. As they ran back into their waiting car, a witness secretly took photographs of the young men. That was all the police needed to round up the perpetrators of the crime. All the attempts of the basketball star to prove his innocence proved abortive.

Unfortunately, this is just one of the many ways that innocent young black folks railroad themselves into bankruptcy, jails and worse, untimely deaths.

Beware of Your Associates.

Why do some individuals appear to have perennial relationship problems?

A person enters into a relationship and before long, it’s all over and they start wondering what goes wrong; is the problem with them or the erstwhile partners?

There are married couples who just can’t comprehend why their spouses often do things that are inimical to the success of their marriages.

The first step here is for the affected individuals to prepare a list of their five closest associates.  Now, the closest associates may be friends, siblings or (and) relations. Studies have proved that a person’s attitude to life, social grace (or a lack of it), spirituality, work ethics and several other character traits are mostly shaped or influenced by their closest associates. Traits such as drug addiction, alcoholism, infidelity, indolence, and other social vices don’t just suddenly feature in the character of an individual. They are the direct or indirect manifestations of the influence of closest associates. 

Subsequently, there is a need for an intensive evaluation of each associate, taking particular note of their positive and negative influences. For associates whose negative traits out-number the positive, it’s time to do away with them.

The last step to take in this process is the re-inventing of the individual.

A friend once explained why it took him so long to get married. It was due to the negative influences of some erstwhile friends. Erroneously seen as a “player”, whenever he had a woman in his life, the naive guy would go seeking the approvals of his friends. And then, the criticisms would start to roll in. If the friends did not consider the woman a “gold digger”, she would be crucified for being too arrogant. And when the next woman that came along was not found to be a “girl-about-town”, she would be condemned for being a “slut”. That was until it occurred to the poor man that the same friends were actually married to women who variously fitted the profiles they were criticizing in the women that came his way. He discarded the friends and proceeded to reinvent himself.

And there was a former colleague whose marriage ran into murky waters due to the constant suspicion of infidelity she placed on her husband. Somehow, the source of all these suspicions was a blood relation (her cousin). The couple was at the brink of getting a divorce when the secrets were let out. The mischievous cousin finally confessed and while the victim of her gross misdeeds accepted the apology, she instantly did away with the cousin.

It was Cherie Burbach who opined that “when determining which types of people will make great friends, it’s important to note who might be considered a negative friend. A negative friend is slightly different than a ‘frenemy’ in that they actually do want the best for you, but they focus on the downsides to any situation. For example, if you announce that you have won a lottery, there are friends who will not congratulate you. Instead, they will begin talking about how you’ll have to pay some hefty tax. In another example, if you announce that you’ve got a new, better job, don’t expect everyone to wish you well. That’s when some friends will express pity that you’re now going to be working so many hours.”

With friends or associates like that, you really don’t need any enemy!