Speaking with Teens About Reckless Behavior.



Image courtesy of Unsplash

 

It is important to talk to teens about reckless behavior: According to experts, the adolescent brain is not fully developed until a person’s mid-20s. Regardless of gender, teens lack the ability to make informed, impulse-free decisions. Due to this lack of impulse control, teens can make decisions that are not good for them. It is important to address behaviors before they get out of control. Social media is often filled with images of dangerous behaviors including drug use and stunts.
Talking to teens about such sensitive issues can be daunting for many parents. Sometimes, it seems easier to ignore these other influences and hope for the best. Yet, it is important to arm yourself with facts and information that you can share. One conversation may not be enough to keep them from making poor decisions.

Dangerous Stunts Can Lead to Serious Injury: Several websites encourage young people to engage in dangerous behavior. There have been instances involving homemade bombs, setting oneself on fire, and even stunts involving moving vehicles resulting in severe injury.

Experimenting With Drugs or Alcohol Can Lead to Addiction: For many teens, fitting in with their friends can seem like the most important thing in the world. They want to be accepted. They want to be “cool.” When it comes to experimenting with drugs or alcohol, your teen might see this as a way to become part of the “in” crowd. There is no way to predict whether experimenting with drugs or alcohol will be a crazy thing someone did once or something worse. When an individual consumes drugs or alcohol, the substance changes the way the brain works.

Dabbling Can Lead to Dependence: Dopamine is also responsible for our learning process, to some degree. As teens experiment with drugs or alcohols that affect these types of communications within the brain, they learn that using the drugs makes them feel better. This learned behavior leads to repeated exposure to the drugs of abuse. The brain becomes used to having drugs in the system. Tolerance means higher doses of  drugs are required to achieve the same euphoric experiences. As teens ingest more drugs to achieve the “high” they seek, addiction can take hold. When this happens, the drugs of abuse may become necessary to ease the withdrawal symptoms that can cause severe discomfort, pain or illness.

Talking to Your Teens About Sex: According to the Kinsey Institute, one-quarter of teens will have their first sexual experience by the time they are 15 years of age.  According to a 2007 study, two-thirds of all teens who have engaged in sexual activity have done so with more than one partner. More recent information has found that 15 percent of high school students in 2011 indicated they had had sex with four or more partners. There are a couple of important aspects to teen sexual activity that parents might wish to discuss with their children. The first, obviously, is the risk of teenage pregnancy. In 1991, four out of 10 teenage girls who became pregnant were under the age of 18. The good news about is that the most recent data indicates birthrates among teenagers are declining. The birthrate for American teenagers fell 17 percent in just three years, from 2007 to 2010. This does not mean however, that teens are no longer engaging in sexual activity. It could imply that teens are taking greater precautions or have more access to birth control.

Pregnancy is not the only risk involved in irresponsible sexual behavior. There is also a risk of disease ranging from a minor irritation to life-threatening illness. According to the CDC, new cases of HIV in 2009 affected more than 8,000 teens and young adults between the ages of 13 and 24 years.

Teens often possess the notion that nothing bad can happen to them, as if they are immune. It is important to inform teenagers with statistics concerning irresponsible sexual behavior. Keeping open lines of communication with your teen can be beneficial. Therefore, let them know you will be there to help them make informed, responsible decisions.

Where to Find Help for Your Troubled Teen: If you fear for your teen’s safety, now is the time to get the help you need. Parenting is challenging enough. Sometimes, reckless or destructive behaviors require treatment. You don’t have to do it alone. Our staff here at Newport Academy specializes in treating teens who suffer from mental illness and behavioral issues. We have treated kids at high risk. We offer a safe and sober environment and the peace of mind that comes from knowing you have a team of experts on your side.

Courtesy of Newport Academy.

I Found Out The Guy I Was Dating Did It For A Dare. Here's What Happened Next.

As I minimized the WhatsApp conversation on my phone, I was filled with dread about what the next evening would bring. It was a couple of weeks before Christmas and I was going on my first date since the end of my last relationship, two years ago. To say I was extremely nervous was a severe understatement.

 

“He was funny, very intelligent, open-minded and ambitious and more importantly, accepted and preferred the fact that I am plus-size. 

 

I’d been talking to Robert* for a couple of weeks via Bumble and then WhatsApp, and all seemed to be going well. Since the end of my last relationship, I’d been a bit wary of the opposite sex and had gone into every new dating app chat with a degree of skepticism (especially as I am plus-size – more on this later), however Robert seemed different. He was funny, very intelligent, open-minded and ambitious and more importantly, accepted and preferred the fact that I am plus-size.

It seems a bit silly to have to declare something as trivial as one's weight on an app, but due to how a large percentage of plus-size women are treated in the dating world, some of us choose to add a note about our weight to our profiles, almost as some kind of 'disclaimer'. It’s even worse when your weight intersects with something such as race or gender.

 

Date night with Robert finally came around and I was practically bursting into flames with excitement. We’d agreed to meet in Clapham in southwest London for a couple of drinks. I arrived at the venue early and tweeted a cute picture of myself, telling my followers that I was out on a first date. Robert arrived and the date began. We had a great time during the three or so hours we spent together – we laughed, we exchanged hilarious date-fail stories, we spoke about our families, likes and dislikes…just normal date stuff, you know? He’d even bought me a little ornament for my room as I’d told him I was still doing it up, which was sweet. At the end of the night, we kissed and he said he wanted to see me again.

 

A week later, and hours of speaking on the phone and texting throughout the night, we decided that he’d come over to my flat and we’d watch a few shows while I cooked (I know, I know, rookie mistake; like I said, I’m a dating newbie). Obviously, one thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together.

 

That was the last time I heard from him.

 

Cut to this week when I receive an email from a friend of his. Apparently, Robert had shown my blog to his friends for 'approval'. This friend tells me that in the interests of full transparency, he thought he should let me know that the reason I had not heard from Robert since our second date was because he had been dared to 'pull a fat chick' and – upon completing the dare – had won a sum of money his friends had pooled.

 

I felt sick. A wave of embarrassment and humiliation washed over me, and I went into my bathroom and cried. I had been terrified of meeting and talking to men for fear of them judging my appearance. As much as I know that I am an awesome person, I’m blindingly aware that the way I look is not what mainstream society considers to be 'beautiful', and that’s something I always have to think about and carry with me.

 

What should have been a lovely couple of dates – a bid to improve my confidence and self-esteem while tackling the shark-infested waters of dating – has turned into a teaching moment for me, and has definitely made me feel a lot more wary about dating in general and more importantly, trusting men.

 

Sadly, my story isn’t an isolated incident. We’ve all heard of sick pranks such as the 'pull a pig' game, which involves a group of men daring each other to hook up with the least attractive woman (in their eyes) in order to gain clout. There are tales as long as my arm from fellow plus-size women who have been duped or tricked in this way and frankly, a discussion needs to be had about it. 

Dating as a plus-size woman, you see, is an exercise rooted more in patience and frustration than in romance. When you are not being ignored by prospective interests, you are either subjected to humiliation and abuse or you are fetishized for your weight. Either way, the abject failure to consider the feelings of the plus-size women in these situations is just another example of the ways in which we are not afforded the luxury of being treated as human beings. It highlights the lack of respect that some men have for women, particularly if they do not comply with social norms.

 

As plus-size women, we are not afforded the same humanity, care, love and respect as our thinner counterparts. This can force a monumental drop in confidence and either put us off dating for life or lead us to partake in more casual dating in an effort to prove our worth through sex.

 

Luckily (or maybe unluckily?) I had already deleted Robert’s number from my phone, after not hearing from him for a couple of weeks, so I have no way to contact and chastise him for what he did. I decided to ignore the friend’s email and used Twitter to tell my story, in the hope of opening up the conversation about the way plus-size women are treated. My aim was to raise awareness, and while I received some amazing, positive feedback, it also came with its share of trolling and horrible comments – almost all from men, who were either laughing at the situation or suggesting I change my appearance in order to be treated better next time.

 

I like to think that I’m confident enough and maybe numb enough to the whole experience and haven’t let it define me as a woman, but for those of us who are still on our journeys to finding self-love and increasing our confidence, going through an experience where you are basically seen as an experiment can be battering.

 

Ultimately, what I’ve concluded is that men seem to undertake these 'pranks' as a way of gaining respect from their male friends at the expense of women’s feelings. Men, it’s time to stop being impressed by this toxic behaviour. It’s time to call it out, to hold each other accountable. Would you be as admiring if someone pulled a prank like this on a plus-size relative – on your sister, perhaps, or your cousin? Most of all, it’s time to start taking the emotions, perspectives and feelings of fat women seriously. Regardless of body shape, we all deserve to be treated with respect and basic common decency.

 

*Name has been changed.

Things that Cause Regrets at Old Age.



When younger, we make various choices without the future in mind. Sometimes those choices bite us in our mid-life. These are some of the things one might regret when they're older.

1. *Marrying the wrong person*

When you're young, check your motives for marrying. Don't marry to copy your peers, or for social standing or out of pressure. Marry for love and companionship, marry the right person, marry your best friend. 

2. *The opportunities you did not seize*

When you are younger many doors will open, you will get many chances. Many young people let these opportunities go because of fear, laziness, or pride. Yet, when younger and with more energy is the best time to start a venture and a name for yourself.

3. *The bridges you burned*

When we are younger, we care little for relationships. What most think about is getting money and moving up the ladder of success at all cost. Many use and trample on people to progress, they take relationships for granted, messing up bonds, sleeping with people for personal gain. But these bad actions will catch up with you ahead. When you will realize how empty life is without love and friends. When you will have success but no one around you or no one to trust you.

4. *The child you aborted*

You are a young lady, you get pregnant and you are scared. You take the abortion option. But when you are much older, you will look back and wish you kept that baby. When you will be rich and successful, you will wish that child you gave up on would be around to enjoy the fruits of your hard work. Being a single mother doesn't mean you can't make it in life or you can't find a man in future.

5. *The child you rejected*

Young man, you impregnated a woman, she told you she was pregnant with your child. You rejected her and the baby and ran. But years later when you're 50+, you will wish you were responsible. You will wish you manned up and became a father to that child. You will see that child excel and become an adult but will have no claim to that grown child who you rejected from the beginning. 

6. *The marriage you destroyed*

So you get married to your good fiancé. The first few months in marriage were good but shortly after, with your money and charm, you started having affairs. You became unfaithful. Your spouse begged you to stop, your children started hurting and your marriage was collapsing. One day when you are older, it will hit you how foolish you were to destroy the good marriage you had began to build for mere temporary thrills in affairs that did you no good. You will realize the damage you caused to your children and spouse.

7. *The God you disowned*

When you are much older ,you become wise. God becomes more real as you see life in a more meaningful way. But don't wait to get older to start enjoying a relationship with God. Know God when you are young, build your future with God. Don't be a young rebel who runs back to God when age catches up. 

8. *The body you messed up*

You have only one body to live with all your life. The cigarettes, the alcohol you are abusing, the drugs you are taking, the unhealthy food you're consuming; all that will destroy you slowly. When you are 50 and lifestyle diseases catch up with you, you will wish you took care of your body when younger, that you exercised more; but now the damage is done.

9. *The time you wasted*

The time you are wasting when younger in worry, wrong relationships, laziness, being a couch potato, giving excuses and pursuing meaningless things; you will never get it back.

10. *The dreams and talents you shelved*

Are you talented when young; are there things you love to do and you are good at them? Nurture those talents, exploit them, don't give up even if you encounter set backs, don't give up on your dreams. If you give up, when you're older you will look at your peers who stuck to what they love and made it and think to yourself, "That could have been me". Pursue a career, study a course you love. Don't waste years of your life in a field that doesn't fulfill you.

11 *The name you defamed*

When you are older, a legacy is very important, the value of your name is crucial. You will ask yourself what is your reputation, what are you leaving behind? Your legacy is a sum total of your actions since youthful days. We write our biography by how we live life everyday. When you look back your path and you see the mud you threw at your own name, the shame you attracted and the little value you have added to the world; you will regret.

12. *The wealth you threw away*

Are you riding on good money during your productive years? Earning good money? Don't throw away that money in clubs, reckless living and wasteful shopping. Invest with that money, widen your revenue stream, make that money work for you and keep it safe to take care of you in your older years. Leave an inheritance for your loved ones so that you will never say "I wish I knew better"

13. *The good love that got away*

Is there that great person in your life loving you good? Don't push that person away, or else that person will walk out your life and you will never ever find someone that incredible and who connects with you all your life. It will torment you to grow older with thoughts of "What if I was still with that person?"

14 *The parents you despised*

When younger, it is easy to show contempt to your parents; what do your parent's know? They are old-fashioned, shady and small -minded. But your parents are still your parents whether you agree with them or not, whatever their style. Don't let your parent die or age, separated from you. Reconcile and make up. When you get older, you will realize why your parents wanted to be close to you. The older you get, the more you see the value.

For a Better Quality of Life.



Whether it's having a more successful business, a healthier body, a stronger relationship or all of the above, people are always on the lookout for ways to improve. The good news is everyone has the power to create a better quality of life, says author and entrepreneur Tony Robbins, speaking recently at Oprah Winfrey's SuperSoul Sessions. The key is answering these three questions:

What are you going to focus on?: People tend to focus more on what's missing from their lives, says Robbins. That's not always a bad thing – it's important when you want to make a change, he explains, "but when you do it as an ongoing pattern, how are you going to feel when you're always focusing on what's missing from your life? Awful. "When you're in an awful state, do you feel like changing things? No, it sucks the energy out of you," says Robbins. "If you focus on what you don't have, it's very hard to succeed." Instead, become clear about what you want and get obsessed with it, because that combination of emotion and vision is what will drive you. "We need to get laser focused on what it is we really want," he advises. "Having a clear result or outcome and consistently focusing on it immediately changes your behavior, giving you the momentum" to achieve. 

What meaning are you going to give things?: "The meaning you give events, interactions and outcomes determines how you feel," explains Robbins. "By creating a ladder of positive and empowering meanings, you effectively change the direction of your life and provide yourself rational, proven reasons your success will continue."

What are you going to do?: "Knowledge is not power, it's potential power," says Robbins during SuperSoul Sessions. "Execution trumps knowledge every day of the week."

Most people get inspired to make a change, then end up doing nothing about it.

Robbins says the smartest thing he does is refuse to "learn something or make a decision about something valuable without making myself do something in the moment that commits me to follow through."

Everyone who wants change should do the same, Robbins says, whether that's scheduling a meeting or telling someone else what you're committing to, because if you hesitate, a million distractions will come up and you'll lose your momentum.





Courtesy: Oprah Winfrey's SuperSoul Sessions.

Seven Things Women Want.

1. A Man with Integrity: Be manly in all that you do. Say what you mean and mean what you say. And by this I do not mean be arrogant or cocky. A man of integrity strikes me as someone who is confident. And well if you’re kind into the bargain well that’s just even more sexy. The definition of integrity itself is “the adherence to moral and ethical principles; the state of being whole and solid.” Lies are never hot. Nor is the omission of the truth via silence. Acting with integrity is pretty simple: Be a good man. And we’ll love you for it. If you can use this goodness to make the world a better place, then we want you all the more. 

2. A Man Who's Present: By this I also mean have some self-awareness; be mindful, strive to make a deeper connection with us. It’s my experience that women who act unnecessarily clingy only do so when they are lacking in attention. That means perhaps you’re not being present with us and we sense it. We are confident women. We don’t need you, we want you because we love you and choose you. But if you’re not present, it causes problems. When you’re in the moment with us everything else fades away. Oh and note to self. A man with presence strikes me as a man who is confident, also. 

3. A Man Who's Complimentary & Considerate: Yes, we confident women have our own self-esteem but we like to hear you say nice, honest things since you’re our man. Tell us what you love about us, specifically. We believe it about ourselves but when someone we love says it, wow, that’s hot. As for considerate, to me that might equal making an effort and trying to be a good listener. We don’t want to be priority all the time but we do want to be referred to sometimes and considered. And did I mention a man who is considerate and sincerely complimentary strikes me as a very confident man? (Did someone turn the heat up in here?) 

4. A Man Who Takes Initiative: [Temperature still rising in here.] You know honestly, we know we can do this (and we can live alone as Amazon warrior women with one breast intact) yet sometimes don’t want to control it all. Initiative is a serious turn-on in a man. Often, the devil is in the details. We don’t care what you take initiative in, whether it be declaring that you will make the dinner reservations, you will take out the garbage, you will pick the concert, just every once in a while we just want to know you’ve got it covered. Grrr. That’s hot. 

5. A Man Who's Passionate: It’s rare to find. Be passionate in something that you do since passion spells everything. We don’t care if it’s politics, football, music, cooking, dogs, billiards or stamp collecting for that matter. That’s irrelevant. When we see you with a commitment, devotion, excitement expressed about something with no restraint then we add two plus two together. If you’re passionate in one area, we know you’ll be passionate in the bedroom. It’s not what society says you should love. It’s not what your friends or family say you should care about. It’s what you, at the deepest and most honest part of yourself, love. We hear it in your voice, the self-assurance, how articulately you speak about this topic and it drives us crazy, in a good way. 

6. A Man Who Expresses Humor & Positivity: We love humor, even if it’s just being able to be witty in response every once in a while. We don’t want a clown all the time, but every so often someone who can laugh is a big deal. I once dated a man and no matter how angry or upset I was I couldn’t stay angry with him for long since he had a great sense of humor. I also dated a man who was serious all the time. Guess which one I preferred? It takes a confident person to be able to use humor in the right way. OH and not forgetting optimism too, that’s always good. Together they are dynamic. Dealing with pessimism all the time becomes exhausting. 

7. A Man Who Knows Himself & Is Himself: Or at least strive to. Now, that, gentlemen is sexy. You don’t have to know everything about yourself (you can still be searching in some areas) but some self-awareness is hot. If you don’t know yourself, it will be hard for us to figure out the real you. Real men I think know what they believe and what they value in advance. Someone with a kind of inner calm, self-awareness and forward momentum is almost universally considered sexy and attractive to others. You also are in touch with your feelings and you’re not afraid to spend time learning, growing and developing. We don’t care if you’re not exactly where you want to be but we love to see you make this effort. And, note to self, people who know themselves often express vulnerability. And there is absolutely nothing sexier than a vulnerable man.

Courtesy: The Cheat List.

Qualities Women Over-Prioritize in Boyfriends.



Many personality traits look good on paper (or in soap opera characters), but in real life, they can be a little too much to deal with every single day for the rest of your life. On top of that, a lot of women prioritize character traits simply because they believe that’s what the rest of the world looks for, or it’s what they are supposed to want. Ultimately, all that should matter is what you want. Then there is the added element of looking for traits that pertain to how a man interacts in every realm of his life, even when he isn’t with you. There is something to be said for a man who is well-liked and respected, but at the end of the day, if you know he is worthy of love and respect, shouldn’t that be all that matters? Here are character traits women way over-prioritize when looking for a boyfriend.

Charisma/Leadership personality: You know who else has charisma? Charles Manson, cult leader, politicians, philanderers…I’m not saying all charismatic men are selfish and manipulative, but I am saying that those traits only help a man out in the workforce—they have nothing to do with his ability to be loyal, loving and kind to you. 

Well-traveled: Don’t be quick to assume that a man who isn’t well-traveled isn’t cultured. Some people didn’t grow up with the means to travel the world, but they may have still taken every opportunity to study other cultures, attend every international museum, show and book reading, and even taken some foreign language courses. 

Social butterfly: After you’ve been together for a while, you’ll stop going everywhere together, and you will crave slightly separate social lives. Then, it really won’t matter if your partner wants to stay home on some nights. 

Other women want him: This is a rather immature requirement—that other women want your guy. If you are a secure and confident person, you shouldn’t need other women to validate your choice in a man.

Building an empire: Men who build empires are impressive, to be certain. They are also always on the clock, never home for dinner, and probably won’t get to know their children very well. Those are just some things to think about. Ambition comes in all forms, and building an empire may be a form that isn’t suitable for a romantic partner. 

Height: Really? You would write off a guy with whom you were compatible on every other level all because you don’t feel comfortable in heels around him? Look around; plenty of couples consist of shorter men and taller women and nobody cares. 

 

Age: If age will interfere with his desire to have children or do other things that are important to you like traveling the world, then that may be a problem. But if the relationship is running smoothly otherwise, who cares if he doesn’t know about the youngest Kardashian. It’s probably better that way.

Current Wealth: Don’t look for the man who has money today; look for the man who has life skills that will always allow him to build wealth. That man can deal with the highs and lows and unpredictability of life.

 

Great sex: Newsflash: there will come a time when you have sex once a week if even that. At that point, what will really matter is if this person can be your best friend, your partner in crime, and teammate for life. Plus, you can just coach him in the sex department.

Common interests: It really shouldn’t matter if you’ve never even heard of his hobbies nor him yours. What should matter is that he is willing to learn about them and accompany you to them. There are millions of men who are also into Spinlates, but that doesn’t mean you should date them.

Having your friends adore him: You’ll learn this eventually; if your friends simply don’t have a problem with him, you’ve hit the jackpot. A lot of women criticize and dislike their friends’ partners. Finding a man over whom your friends will fawn is rare. Settle for a man who your friends get along with just fine. 

Good dresser: Honestly, men who are really good dressers…there’s just something off about them. They are either too full of themselves or so insecure that they cover it up with nice clothes. Let the guy you date be comfortable in who he is—let him wear the quirky t-shirts. 

Healthy lifestyle: So long as your partner maintains a weight his doctor is happy with and sees the value in some vegetables and gym time, be grateful! You shouldn’t write off a wonderful man because he doesn’t have a personal trainer or protein powder. 

Courtesy: Madamenoire.

The Amish and Their Ways of Life.

As seen in the above picture, a dating/engaged couple among the Amish can sleep in the same bed. But they must remain dressed with a wooden barrier in-between them.

In the 21st Century America, Amish communities are very well-known for their extremely humble ways of life and their abhorrence of modern things. But guess what? With their strict rules, sheltered living and clean culture, they have the lowest cancer rate in the United States. They don’t smoke or drink and they produce their own foods (organic, of course). What's more? The social maladies that pervade the rest of America and the world at large are non-existent in their communities. Reckless sex, unwanted pregnancies, abortions, emotional heart breaks, verbal and physical abuses, cases of depressions, divorces and other related issues are strange to them.

Most often, an Amish wedding is conducted in the simplest manner.

When it comes to dating and marriage, it's a different kettle of fish within the Amish community. Often young people will meet in public settings and if things go well, they might meet in private for chaperoned dates. When a young couple starts dating, usually marriage is not too long after. A couple must however first get their engagement blessed by a religious leader. 

Most often Amish weddings are held in the simplest possible manner. The bride usually wears a simple blue-lined dress and is prohibited from wearing make-up or even a ring as they both represent vanity in their eyes. Flowers are in fact too fancy and instead they use celery. And for reception, people mostly just stand around and talk or offer the new couple their blessings. Right after that the couple spends their first night together. That is the very first time they will start to see each other in the nude.



My Marriage Broke Down Around Age 30 — And So Did Most of My Friends' Relationships by Eva Woods.

We began dropping like flies, one divorce or breakup after another...

Things started out so well. My wedding day was perfect. The sun shone down on the 15th-century castle we’d hired for a hundred guests, even though it was April in Ireland. I wore a silk and lace gown with hundreds of tiny sequins, and I was marrying the man I’d been with for three years.

We’d met working for a charity, and we both cared about trying to make the world better – we imagined ourselves living overseas, and probably having a baby in a year or so. He was straightforward, and kind, and supported me. Surely marriage would be easy… Yet just a year later I was contemplating divorce.

Things seemed to change at our one-year anniversary when we went to Germany for a friend’s wedding. On that trip I remember wondering: is this all there is? Spending whole days apart on holiday, because I wanted to go to museums and he wanted to shop? Having to beg him to turn off his work emails for a few days? Coming home and not speaking for hours at a time. At the time, I dismissed these as silly doubts. There was no question of it not working out. And all my friends seemed happily settled too, and my parents and sister had both been married since they were teenagers – I didn’t know how to admit to them marriage wasn’t quite what I’d hoped for. I told myself was just being naïve, expecting everything to be perfect. 

But things continued to change. I would lay awake at night and wonder about leaving –where would I live? We owned a beautiful house together and I hadn’t rented in years. Would I even get a place on my freelance income? I couldn’t go back to a flatshare at 31, especially not when most of my friends were buying homes with their partners. Who would look after our dog? Who’d get the car? What if I never met anyone else and never had children? I couldn’t face the final decision to leave, so I put it off, frightened of what might be on the other side.

However, I was amazed when, the year my friends and I all turned thirty, a wave of break-ups began. One day my friend Michelle emailed us to say she was leaving her husband of five years, and that things had not been right for years. This finally forced my ex and I to have the difficult conversation we’d been avoiding all this time. He said we could work on it, see a therapist which we did try to little success. He kept insisting that I was giving up too easily, refusing to face up to my own issues. We struggled on, but then just a few weeks after Michelle’s revelation, our friend Cathy called off her wedding. One day they were looking at venues for an elaborate celebration, then the next it was over and she’d moved out of their house. I felt stunned. It seemed as if the break-ups sent seismic waves through our friendship group. Suddenly, couples were having to face the fact that maybe they weren’t that happy, either. 

I realized then that I couldn’t keep putting off the decision about my own marriage. The only way I could do it was in small steps. I found a flat, moved out and finally worked up the courage to tell my friends. With one in particular, I remember being at lunch together, ready for me to tell her my news when she blurted out, ‘So I’m getting divorced.’ She’d been with her husband for ten years and I had no idea anything was wrong. All I could think to say was, ‘Um…me too.’ 

My biggest surprise was how easy it is to hide an unhappy marriage from your friends. I had no idea they were on the brink of a split, and they didn’t know I was. I only told my parents a month before I moved out. I was ashamed to tell them – after all, they’d paid for the wedding. They they were very surprised, but supportive. It made me see I should have talked to people sooner, explained that our marriage – on the surface so great, with our nice house and exotic holidays – was falling apart. It might have made me face the problems sooner, rather than hoping they would just go away. I don’t know if anything could have saved our marriage, but perhaps I would have had the courage to end it sooner. 

Over the following year, while I was moving all my things out and trying to start my life again, four other friends had big break-ups, like a divorce domino effect. We were all in our early to mid-thirties, without children, and had been married or in serious relationships since our twenties. In most cases the splits happened because people grew apart and changed, started wanting different things from life. My friends are quite ambitious, high-flying people and maybe that makes it harder to compromise – or maybe we chose the people and lives we thought we should want, rather than what we actually needed. 

I’m not sure if I would get married again. I would feel strange making those vows, knowing how impossible it is to promise things on behalf of your future self. I wish we had thought about that more carefully before getting married, and that I’d been clearer about what I wanted from life instead of just trying to support him. But three years on, I am in a committed relationship, doing work I enjoy and living a life I love. All it took was that one leap of bravery, and perhaps a bit of that domino effect. 

Eva Woods is the author of The Ex Factor, out now.

 

 

When Women Mistake Lust for Love.

Is it really so very difficult for women to know the difference between lust and love? I've discussed with some women who admitted that it was a difficult thing to discern. Okay, I know from past experience that women can be very emotional and sentimental. In the mindset of almost every man (including the dumb types), all that is needed do get a woman (including the highly educated) is to flatter her, tell her what she wants to hear and do what she expects from a man of her dreams and, before you know it, she will fall...sometimes, into her death.

A few days ago, 33-year-old E’Dena Hines (Morgan Freeman’s granddaughter) was stabbed about 16 times by her 30-year-old deranged, live-in boyfriend, Lamar Davenport. The man was in the throes of a drug-induced psychosis when he committed the crime a few blocks from their New York apartment. Here was a college-educated, professionally-accomplished actress/writer in a "relationship" with a semi-illiterate, lazy, rapper wannabe who is known to indulge in cocaine, pot and booze. He has six prior arrests, including for marijuana and petit larceny.

The worst aspect of a case such as this is that his girlfriend must have known about all these vices but typically would be playing “savior”, trying to help him out of his “demons”. Now, she is dead and the young man may even get off the hook by pleading “temporary insanity”.

A few months ago, Shade Adebayo, a 24 year-old Nigerian woman was brutally shot to death outside a Target store in Montgomery County, Maryland. From the moment she started dating the 27-year-old Donald Wayne Bricker Jr., the educated young woman knew that Donald was a drop-out, barely literate white man. Yet, she continued the relationship because she was in “love”. She failed to realize a Yoruba adage that says “A child is acting dumb and the parents are only concerned about the child's life, not knowing that it's the dumbness that will kill the child.” By the time Shade realized her own dumbness and decided to end the relationship, it was too late. Donald had made a counter decision. If he could not have her then nobody would have her.

There was the recent case of a man who was arrested for turning the face of his girlfriend into a mashed potato. A few hours later, the same girlfriend showed up to bail him out. And on seeing the stunned looks of the disappointed officers, the stupid woman blurted out that she loved him blah-blah-blah!

Personally, it hurts to see or hear of too many women who are becoming victims of homicides. These murders could have been easily avoided if only some women were not so dumb as to mistake lust for love!

28th Wedding Anniversary.

 The marital union between me and my precious treasure commenced on Saturday, August 1st, 1987.

Five months after the wedding.

28 years later.

A Gift of Trust and Negative Impressions.

How many times have some of us received a wrapped gift on which is boldly written, “Fragile—Handle with Care”? This is precisely the impression that comes with the issue of trust. Trust is like a fragile gift. When reposed in a person, it can either be nourished or destroyed by the type of impression generated by the beneficiary to the folks around them.

Once upon a time, people could trust certain individuals in positions of trusts. Now for example, the impression is that only foolish parents will entrust their kids with Catholic priests. With many “Pentecostal” pastors owning private jets and living extravagantly, only naive Christians make a big deal about paying tithes. And these days, teachers, counselors and sports coaches are viewed with suspicions lest they abuse kids in their care. These trust issues were preceded by negative impressions on the part of the perpetrators but the impressions were branded as mere rumors and ignored.

Professionally, some of us have fallen victims of colleagues who betrayed our trusts in the past. And it wasn’t as if we didn’t see the problems coming. At one time or the other, we were presented with certain negative impressions about them but we ignored the warnings. Sadly, there have been other forms of breached trusts in friendships, marriages, relationships and other human endeavors all because the warning signs were ignored.