Be Careful about the Type of People with whom you Socialize.

"Be very careful about the type of people with whom you socialize. If you choose to roll with pigs, you're going to get muddy. And pigs will love it. If you go about with dogs, you'll eat faeces. And dogs will adore you for it." - An old adage.

I Found Out The Guy I Was Dating Did It For A Dare. Here's What Happened Next.

As I minimized the WhatsApp conversation on my phone, I was filled with dread about what the next evening would bring. It was a couple of weeks before Christmas and I was going on my first date since the end of my last relationship, two years ago. To say I was extremely nervous was a severe understatement.

 

“He was funny, very intelligent, open-minded and ambitious and more importantly, accepted and preferred the fact that I am plus-size. 

 

I’d been talking to Robert* for a couple of weeks via Bumble and then WhatsApp, and all seemed to be going well. Since the end of my last relationship, I’d been a bit wary of the opposite sex and had gone into every new dating app chat with a degree of skepticism (especially as I am plus-size – more on this later), however Robert seemed different. He was funny, very intelligent, open-minded and ambitious and more importantly, accepted and preferred the fact that I am plus-size.

It seems a bit silly to have to declare something as trivial as one's weight on an app, but due to how a large percentage of plus-size women are treated in the dating world, some of us choose to add a note about our weight to our profiles, almost as some kind of 'disclaimer'. It’s even worse when your weight intersects with something such as race or gender.

 

Date night with Robert finally came around and I was practically bursting into flames with excitement. We’d agreed to meet in Clapham in southwest London for a couple of drinks. I arrived at the venue early and tweeted a cute picture of myself, telling my followers that I was out on a first date. Robert arrived and the date began. We had a great time during the three or so hours we spent together – we laughed, we exchanged hilarious date-fail stories, we spoke about our families, likes and dislikes…just normal date stuff, you know? He’d even bought me a little ornament for my room as I’d told him I was still doing it up, which was sweet. At the end of the night, we kissed and he said he wanted to see me again.

 

A week later, and hours of speaking on the phone and texting throughout the night, we decided that he’d come over to my flat and we’d watch a few shows while I cooked (I know, I know, rookie mistake; like I said, I’m a dating newbie). Obviously, one thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together.

 

That was the last time I heard from him.

 

Cut to this week when I receive an email from a friend of his. Apparently, Robert had shown my blog to his friends for 'approval'. This friend tells me that in the interests of full transparency, he thought he should let me know that the reason I had not heard from Robert since our second date was because he had been dared to 'pull a fat chick' and – upon completing the dare – had won a sum of money his friends had pooled.

 

I felt sick. A wave of embarrassment and humiliation washed over me, and I went into my bathroom and cried. I had been terrified of meeting and talking to men for fear of them judging my appearance. As much as I know that I am an awesome person, I’m blindingly aware that the way I look is not what mainstream society considers to be 'beautiful', and that’s something I always have to think about and carry with me.

 

What should have been a lovely couple of dates – a bid to improve my confidence and self-esteem while tackling the shark-infested waters of dating – has turned into a teaching moment for me, and has definitely made me feel a lot more wary about dating in general and more importantly, trusting men.

 

Sadly, my story isn’t an isolated incident. We’ve all heard of sick pranks such as the 'pull a pig' game, which involves a group of men daring each other to hook up with the least attractive woman (in their eyes) in order to gain clout. There are tales as long as my arm from fellow plus-size women who have been duped or tricked in this way and frankly, a discussion needs to be had about it. 

Dating as a plus-size woman, you see, is an exercise rooted more in patience and frustration than in romance. When you are not being ignored by prospective interests, you are either subjected to humiliation and abuse or you are fetishized for your weight. Either way, the abject failure to consider the feelings of the plus-size women in these situations is just another example of the ways in which we are not afforded the luxury of being treated as human beings. It highlights the lack of respect that some men have for women, particularly if they do not comply with social norms.

 

As plus-size women, we are not afforded the same humanity, care, love and respect as our thinner counterparts. This can force a monumental drop in confidence and either put us off dating for life or lead us to partake in more casual dating in an effort to prove our worth through sex.

 

Luckily (or maybe unluckily?) I had already deleted Robert’s number from my phone, after not hearing from him for a couple of weeks, so I have no way to contact and chastise him for what he did. I decided to ignore the friend’s email and used Twitter to tell my story, in the hope of opening up the conversation about the way plus-size women are treated. My aim was to raise awareness, and while I received some amazing, positive feedback, it also came with its share of trolling and horrible comments – almost all from men, who were either laughing at the situation or suggesting I change my appearance in order to be treated better next time.

 

I like to think that I’m confident enough and maybe numb enough to the whole experience and haven’t let it define me as a woman, but for those of us who are still on our journeys to finding self-love and increasing our confidence, going through an experience where you are basically seen as an experiment can be battering.

 

Ultimately, what I’ve concluded is that men seem to undertake these 'pranks' as a way of gaining respect from their male friends at the expense of women’s feelings. Men, it’s time to stop being impressed by this toxic behaviour. It’s time to call it out, to hold each other accountable. Would you be as admiring if someone pulled a prank like this on a plus-size relative – on your sister, perhaps, or your cousin? Most of all, it’s time to start taking the emotions, perspectives and feelings of fat women seriously. Regardless of body shape, we all deserve to be treated with respect and basic common decency.

 

*Name has been changed.

Men Without Guts.

I detest liars. And worse, I'm easily irritated and disgusted by men who lack the guts to make simple, truthful expressions. The most fundamental emotional difference between the two genders is the ability of a man to demonstrate "courage in the face of fire". But when a man lacks such courage when needed, he loses the character that defines him as a man. 

In the aftermath of a terrorist attack in Paris, there were condemnations from all across the world. Several people, irrespective of race, religion and nationality were outraged. And this was made manifest on the social media. In my own little way, I did express a personal, angry opinion on the Facebook.

Shortly afterwards, I got an in-boxed message from a friend in which he agreed and thanked me for the opinion. The guy however went on, in the message, to state how he would have loved post similar opinion on Facebook and other social media. And when I asked "Why not?" the guy went on the defensive by stating that he could not afford to offend his Moslem friends on Facebook. I was aghast!  

And there was a day I wrote a short essay on my blog in regard to the religious posturing and the gross pretense that pervaded the Christendom. I had hardly shared it on Facebook when a friend sent me an in-boxed message to ask why I degraded Christianity so much. I asked if he would like to dispute the facts outlined in the essay. He said no…but while my essay contained the truth about the Christendom, it was also embarrassing to read such “hurtful truth” written by a Christian such as myself.  

To me, these were among the most cowardly, shameful manners any man could portray himself. And I said as much to those guys at each occasion. And, of course, they were upset! Incidentally, they were upset not because I was wrong. Rather, it was because I had the gut to express myself so blatantly and so confidently… a gut that each of them lacked. 

Sadly, there are too many individuals and, especially men, who parade themselves on various social media as agents of freedom even though they lack the same freedom they pretend to champion. In reality, such people are mere Internet Tigers. All words and no action!



Change Begins with Every Nigerian.

My dear Nigerian youths, I am very angry and that is why I am addressing you. You are the source of my anger and I want to vent my spleen- maybe not at you directly- but at the arrogance of your ignorance. 

You sit in front of a computer and rant all day through social media but with every click, you make money - not for yourself - but for Mark Zuckerberg (Facebook). With every megabyte of data you spend complaining and maligning, you make stupendous bucks for Etisalat, Glo and Airtel. Over the next two years, the number of Nigerian millionaires will jump by 47% but most likely you will not be among because you are too busy whining and complaining. And yet about 60% of Nigeria’s 170m population are below 35 years. Oh, what a waste! By the way, Mark Zuckerberg was 19 when he started Facebook. 

Africa’s youngest billionaire, Ashish Thakkar, is 31. He escaped from the Rwandan genocide and relocated to Uganda where he started an IT business. Collin Thornton, who made his millions by fixing bad computers and setting up Dial-a-Nerd, is 35. Adam Horowitz, an 18-year-old entrepreneur, started 30 websites in 3 years before he became successful.

The only thing YOU have ever started is an online petition. Have you heard of Jason Njoku? He’s 33 and the founder of Iroko TV. He received $8m investment into his company just a few years ago. What he does? Sharing the same Nollywood films that you spend hours to watch online. He didn’t just hang around waiting for President Buhari to make something happen or blaming Jonathan for not making anything happen. Kamal Budhabhatti was deported from Kenya but while on the flight, he thought of the opportunities in Kenya. He found his way back after 6 months and today his company is valued at $30m. He’s 36. Have you heard of Chinedu Echeruo? Apple just paid $1b for his app. He’s a Nigerian like you and all he did was attempt to fix a problem. But for you, the only thing you attempt to fix are your nails- and your hairdo! Chinedu moved to New York in 1995 and found it difficult to navigate the city with ease so he developed HopStop to fix the problem.

Stop listing all the problems - we know them already but what are you doing about them?

Awolowo (former premier of Western Region) was 37, Akintola (Awolowo’s Deputy) was 36, Ahmadu Bello (Premier of Northern Region) was 36, Tafawa Balewa (Nigeria’s first Prime Minister) was 34, Okotie-Eboh (Former Finance Minister) was 27 and Enahoro (Former Minister of Information) was 27 at the time of independence of Nigeria. 

In 1966, the first coup was led by Major Kaduna Nzeogwu (29) and stopped by Major Murtala Mohammed (28), Captain TY Danjuma (28), Lt. IBB (25), Lt. Sanni Abacha (23) and Lt. Shehu Yar'adua (23). It brought in Gen. Yakubu Gowon as Head of State at 32 and Gen. Olusegun Obasanjo at 29. 

You are in your 40s and you still sag your trousers. The word CHANGE belongs to the masses not to selected few. Someone sent this to me and I couldn't resist the urge not to share it. 

Courtesy Prof. Isa in a widely-circulated “letter” to the Nigerian youths.

The Other Side of Social Media.

Sadly, this is the sad reality in the lives of most people. They are rarely there for their spouses and kids. Yet, they are all over the social media spending time with their "thousands of friends". And some others are investing almost every minute of their lives whining and venting frustrations on national politics when the problems in their homes hardly get any attention.

The Ugly Sides of Social Media.

Social media have contributed immensely to the improvement of communication and social relationships among people across the global community. However, there is a prevailing sad, ugly trend whereby a whole lot of people are surrendering their entire existence to the many social media in the cyberspace.



For such people therefore, the economic law of diminishing returns have set in. Worse, too many individuals have unwittingly become emotionally dependent on the people they meet on social media. And it's from such people they seek the validation and determination of their self-worth. The multiplying effects of this reckless and dangerous trend are especially manifesting in the lives of many teenagers and young adults who depend on total strangers for the maintenance of their self-esteems. Consequently, some of them have ended up becoming victims of scams, statutory rapes, cyber-bullying, manic depressions, suicides and murders.

How Rihanna Taught Me To Say No To Nudity by Ifeoluwa Olawole.

I saw an article this evening. The author titled it "On Rihanna Teaching Me To Say No To Modesty Culture." The writer explained—very coherently, I must add— that Rihanna used fashion as a buffer against the meanness of others. Should you get naked to prove a point? I wondered. You should not get naked to get back at bullies. No, you EXCEL. Nothing beats excellence! Getting nude as a result of self-confidence is either a type of sick joke or a paradox or something only Rihanna can claim to be doing.

The writer states that teenagers are held to very high standards when it comes to dressing, especially at school and are expected to be very modest. She says it is wrong to make females feel ashamed because men are turned on by their form of dressing.

You see that is the problem, teenagers do not dress in scandalous outfit because they are feminists or because they are confident in their bodies. It is in fact the exact opposite. Some teenagers use their bodies as objects. Men do not objectify women as much as women themselves do.

We, as women, have believed somehow that our bodies are weapons. That is the same reason that even though a girl is fully aware that her “crush” does NOT like her, she still goes ahead to have sex with him. Because she has spent a substantial amount of time convincing herself that somehow, her body and sexual prowess may be enough reasons for him to change his mind.

And no, not just teenage girls. Adult women also convince themselves that their “cleavages” can help them get a man. Yes, some perverts objectify women but what is worse is women objectifying themselves.

Oh, I'm sorry but if your social media’s name is "My ass is badder than yours." or "sexybooties" or  any of those other crude names I can't readily think of right now, don't go around complaining that men only identify you with your physical attributes and endowments and nothing more. Scream until your face turns blue but that is the perception you and only you give. So, “no nudity” does not mean you are confident or sexy. Unfortunately, it means the opposite.

Honestly, I understand that male entitlement exists. I sometimes hate that people only suggest modesty in women because of men. It's unfortunate that a woman is expected to make choices on what to wear for fear of being violated by a man. I also hate that men have been reduced to dogs who have no self-control whatsoever. It's this type of disgust I feel when women get into marriages and proceed to expect that the poor husband is definitely going to cheat. 

So, I am not suggesting to anyone to dress modestly just to avoid being raped. Dress modestly, because it is your choice to do so. Because you understand that even though, God has blessed you with those beautiful physical attributes, you are MUCH MORE than that. There is more to you than uploading or sending tasteless nude pictures of yourself. Yes, you have been very physically blessed, but there is so much more going on for you than a big behind. Dress tastefully because you are very intelligent and insightful and will refuse to be known for just having a “bangin body”.

The truth is I think that rapists have a sort of mental problem that clothes can't solve. So, for the most part, this is not about them or any other person. It's about you and what you decide to represent. It's about respecting yourself enough to realize that the rest of the world has no business knowing what your breasts look like.

Love,

Ife.

The Baby-dragging Bride of Tennessee.

A few weeks ago, a bride strapped her 1-month-old baby to the train of her wedding dress as she walked down the aisle of the Elam Baptist Church in Ripley, Tenn.

She unwittingly brought a new dimension to the phrase “baby on board.” Since the picture appeared in the cyberspace, the woman has been subjected to a barrage of criticisms for dragging the newborn baby down the aisle.

Typical of folks who “cry” about being “judged”, the woman has since declared angrily on Facebook that the baby was well secured and protected by Jesus. Furthermore, she is now on “war-path”, criticizing those who are criticizing her.

I guess, she merely wanted to show-off the baby as her “badge of honor” since she had “put the cart before the horse” by first having a baby before getting married. Except that, in the process, she unwittingly placed the poor baby in grievous danger.

Firstly, what if a guest jumped excitedly onto the aisle without knowing that a baby was “on board” behind the bride and fell on top of the child?

Secondly, what if something had happened and she (the bride) fell over backward on top of the baby?    

In a safe alternative to her dangerous stunt, the bride could have shown off the baby all the same. She could simply have carried the baby on her arms or have one end of a ribbon tied to her waist while the other end was tied to a pram inside which the baby was placed.

Love in the Good, Old Days.

Sometimes, I do wander in retrospect, at the way things were done in the 1970s and the 1980s in regard to the love department.

Back then, there was no overt reliance on technology or social media. No cell phones. Cameras were not Siamese twins of cell phones. No Facebook. No Twitter. No Craiglist. No Ipad. No kindle.

There were no faceless, spurious characters hiding behind some technological fads to find love “online”. There was no way for any man or woman to project some fake profiles or (and) doctored pictures online while the actual, “unpalatable” person holed himself or herself somewhere.

There was no way a man or woman would arrive at a restaurant or movie theater only to realize that an expected date was no where close in resemblance to the invited person or image earlier seen online.  

In the good, old days, when individuals were asked about their relationships, no one ever had any reason to respond with a vague cliché such as “It’s complicated…”

Back then, wooing was an Art and a painstaking one at that. Men would take the time and efforts to fine-tune the Art as they got their acts together. And it was worth all the trouble because men had to physically present themselves as they embarked on wooing the desired women.

Oh no, that was no time to be a shy guy. Shy men always had a hard time with women. And women had the opportunity to ponder over their responses to every romantic advance. Some of them would deliberately take too long to make feelings known. The bottom-line was simply a matter of “what you see is what you get”. It’s very much unlike these days when a woman is often pressurized to make an “instant coffee” decision about a guy she just met “online” and whose real identity or character she has not known.    

Back then, men were usually described as handsome, not cute or pretty. But of course, those were the days mostly of real men and not some "pretty", physically-distorted and disease-spreading guys “on the down low”. And those were the days of strong women who would readily demand for respect where it was lacking as opposed to nowadays when a woman will take all kinds of bullsh... out of desperation for a relationship or marriage.

And lest I forget, parents in the good, old days were able to pay closer attention to the activities of their daughters. Back then, the primary means of communication was the old fashion, wall-hanging or table-top telephone. Therefore, it was not easy for pedophiles and dirty old men to prey on, lure and stalk teenage girls while pretending to be teenage boys as they now do “online” with all those technological toys.