A Special Eulogy to my Parents.



"Ojo iya ku,

ni wura ola baje,

ojo baba ku,

ni jigi ola wo mi."

 

(It's on the day a mother dies,

that the golden value

of her family declines.

And it's on the day a father dies,

that his family's mirror of wealth

drowns in a river).

 

- A popular Yoruba dirge that eulogizes the importance of parents in a family.





Portrait of my mother
 

Portrait of my father

 

Family, Place of Forgiveness.

There is no perfect family. We do not have perfect parents, we are not perfect, we do not marry a perfect person or have perfect children. We have complaints from each other. We disappoint each other. So there is no healthy marriage or healthy family without the exercise of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is vital to our emotional health and spiritual survival. Without forgiveness, the family becomes an arena of conflict and a stronghold of hurt.  

Without forgiveness, the family becomes ill. Forgiveness is the a sepsis of the soul, the cleansing of the mind and the liberation of the heart. Whoever does not forgive does not have peace in the soul nor communion with God. Hurt is poison that intoxicates and kills. Keeping heartache in the heart is a self-destructive gesture. It's autophagy. Those who do not forgive are physically, emotionally and spiritually ill.  

That is why the family must be a place of life, not of death; territory of cure and not of illness; Stage of forgiveness and not guilt. Forgiveness brings joy where sorrow has produced sadness;

Healing, where sorrow has caused disease.

Courtesy: Pope Francisco.

Some Issues You Need To Talk About Before Getting Married.

There are salient issues that need to be discussed by a couple as soon as a marriage proposal is made. These are the ingredients for a solid marital foundation: 

Religion: A serious discussion about religion during courtship will ensure that you two are on the same page and this will eliminate any surprise. For instance, both of you may be Christians but if one is a fanatic while the other is liberal, there will be problem in the near future. If one is a Catholic while the other is a Methodist, you need to choose which one to attend jointly upon marriage. Nothing undermines a marriage as a lack of consensus in what denomination to attend. Even the kids will be confused. Although my wife was an Anglican before marriage, she easily resolved to join me in attending the Baptist denomination upon marriage.  

Credit score and debt: Couples need to share financial information about each other during courtship. Knowing your partner’s salary is one thing, but understanding where his/her money is going is another. In our time, there was nothing like a bad debt issue. As soon as I proposed marriage to my wife, we both resolved to be transparent about our individual incomes. 

In-laws: If you love your future in-laws, great! If you have an issue (even the slightest problem about anyone), voice your concern with your partner. Having an open and honest conversation with your fiancé can provide insight on your future in-laws and help you better understand them and minimize any future complications. 

The kids: It’s very important during courtship for a couple to talk about the number of children they hope to have. It's also essential to discuss how the kids will be raised. During courtship, my wife and I already knew the number of kids we would have. The third child was not "originally" in our plan but we chose to be flexible about such a possibility. We decided that I would name the first child while she would name the second child. When the third child came, we simply put it to vote within the nuclear family. As for discipline, fortunately, we both detested spoilt brats.  

 

Gender roles: You guys may not really have to talk about specific roles before marriage. However, you both have to adapt to doing certain chores as they arise and in regard to each person's job schedules. Also, discuss how often each of you should do certain chores. 

Spending money: During premarital discussions, both of you need to discuss how you'll be spending money. Will you have a joint account? If yes, will you be informing each other before purchasing an item above a certain amount. This is especially important if one of you spends frivolously. 

Handling arguments: Will you argue in front of the kids? At what point will you seek external counseling? It’s a good idea to know who has a hot temper and who is laidback. What are your plans for effective communication and finding a solution to each quarrel as it arises? 

Boundaries: There are instances where a couple and their families or in-laws live close to each other. In such a situation, they need to have a policy in place to avoid interferences. Do the relatives have to call ahead before visiting or can they just pop up? Take it a step further by talking about the possibility of a parent in-law or sibling in-law living with you. In our case, my wife actually volunteered early in our marriage to have my father live with us. It was a very rare thing for a woman to do. And that's one of the reasons why I will forever adore and treasure her in my life.

Career expectations: Are you both alright with each other's career? Does any of you have the potential to relocate your family to a different location due to career needs? Are your future spouse’s career goals in line with your desired family dynamic? What sacrifices are you prepared to make for each other to succeed in your careers? 

The Other Side of Social Media.

Sadly, this is the sad reality in the lives of most people. They are rarely there for their spouses and kids. Yet, they are all over the social media spending time with their "thousands of friends". And some others are investing almost every minute of their lives whining and venting frustrations on national politics when the problems in their homes hardly get any attention.

Changing the World, one Home at a Time.

Charities are supposed to begin at home. How I wish all those who are trying to "change the world" either in the political or religious realm, would start from their immediate environments.

 

They need to build and nurture honest, unselfish and positive lifestyles. Afterwards, they can show the whole world how such noble, moral virtues have produced joy, peace and a sense of contentment in their respective homes.

These are the exemplary and vindicating factors that will always precede them in the process of convincing their audiences. Even the Yoruba say, "The person who wishes to give one a gift of clothes will first have to be seen for what he or she wears."

Tribute to all Happily-Married Couples.

This song by Ray Charles, has always been after my heart. It's my most favorite love song, especially in the appreciation of Titilola, my wife and the most precious treasure in my life. And, in commemoration of our 28th wedding anniversary therefore, I dedicate the song to all happily-married couples.

A Fathers’ Day Reflection.

A couple of days ago, a childhood friend and I were reflecting on fatherhood. We both wondered how, on Fathers’ Days, every man whose loin has produced a kid wants to be celebrated as a father. Yet, if the truth must be told, among us are men who are forever missing-in-action as fathers. There are also some men who have to be compelled by the courts before they start paying child supports.

What about the “Disney fathers”? They only appear once in a while, take their kids to parks or wherever and then disappear. Finally, there are men who, though live under the same roofs with their kids, they are emotionally distant. These are guys whose idea of fatherhood is on “auto-pilot”. And like the way eagles drop their eaglets from tree-tops, whoever survives the total act of ignominy among their kids eventually becomes the favorite. Just watch the annual shows such as the Oscars, Grammy and BET awards. You’ll hear winners shower praises on their mothers without a word on their fathers.

In retrospect, my friend remarked that both of us have been lucky to have stress-free, blissful fatherhood. None of our kids even subjected us to the dreadful teen age craziness. While acknowledging that fact, I however noted that mine has not been due to a mere luck. It has been due largely to the grace of God. To start with, God blessed me with the most dynamic, wonderful partner/wife/mother. Unlike most couples, during our courtship days, my wife and I almost talked each other to death as we mapped out plans for the future. One such plan was on the “modus operandi” to adopt in the raising of our kids. It took a while but the kids have since realized that our parenting principle is based on a joint, pro-active one-voice-consensus. Whatever mommy decides in regard to any child gets the nod of daddy, and vice versa. Hence, the task of parenting comes easily for us. It’s been no wonder therefore that the kids have turned out to be the sanctuary of our joy, peace and love. Above all, to God be the glory!

Happy Fathers’ Day!!!

Appreciating What You Have.

There was this story about a young couple. Both the husband and wife were educated professionals living in a Philadelphia apartment building. And they were notorious for their frequent noisy fights. At least, once in a month, the wife would throw her husband out after heated arguments.

On one such occasion, the two were in the middle of another noisy fight in the evening when the wife began to throw the man’s shirts, shoes and other stuff out while screaming at him to go find somewhere to stay for the night. As she did this, their next-door neighbor quietly opened her door and called out to the man to bring his stuff into her apartment.

“Seriously?” the wife asked the neighbor in fury. “Are you out of your frigging mind…asking my husband to move into your apartment?”

Nodding her head calmly, the other women stated. “You don’t appreciate what you have. If you did, you’d not be throwing your husband out every time you have a quarrel…”

Now amused by the turn of event, the husband stared at his stupefied wife who, at this stage, tried to hide her embarrassment by screaming at her husband one more time. “And what are you staring at the bitch for…will you pick up your stuff and get right back inside?”

 

 

 

 

Parental Responsibility has no Expiry Date.

Parenting is the most arduous, painstaking occupation in the world. It’s not a task for just anyone. It's a self-imposed assignment that requires some good prior meditations. This is because parenting is the only job from which no one ever takes a break, sick leave or vacation. In fact, it’s a job that offers no chance of retirement until death comes. The only people that can claim exceptions from these requirements are those who have abdicated their parental responsibilities. They are the individuals who have failed woefully at being good parents.

A few years before his demise, my father and I had a heated argument one day. Exasperated at a point during the argument, I had to remind him that I was a fully-grown adult in my forties. In a sharp reaction, my father stared hard at me for a few seconds. Then, he declared that his parental responsibility to me had no time limit. And irrespective of my age, he would perform it until death took him.That statement has stuck with me since that day, prompting me to adjust my parental mission statement. And now that my kids are grown, the core of that statement has been a resolve to owe my kids a lifetime of parental responsibility. And so help me God.

Birthday Greeting to a Dearest Daughter.

Ebunoluwa, Iyalode 3rd: As you celebrate an addition to your glorious years on earth, may God Almighty continue to shower His bountiful blessings upon you.



You’re always after my heart---smart, focused, goal-oriented, determined, confident and extra-ordinary in everything you do. Thanks for always bringing joy to my heart. Happy birthday! I wish you a Long life and abundant Prosperity!!!



 

A Classic Example of Great Parenting.

A few days ago, a woman and her daughter went to see the movie, “Cinderella” in Birmingham, Alabama. Right behind them were two teenagers who made a show of “harassing” the poor woman and her 12-year-old daughter. After the movie ended, the woman approached the two rude girls to address them; “I told them they needed to realize that their behavior affects others and they never know what other people around them are going through,” she says. “For instance my husband was just laid off from his job and this would be the last movie I could take my daughter to for awhile, and they had ruined that.”

Back home, the teenagers’ mother was informed by her son who was in the company of his sisters. The mother was said to be furious at her daughters for their shameful behavior. She didn’t stop at that. She also promptly got on her Facebook page to make a public appeal to the victim of her daughters’ crazy attitude. She did this in the hope that the affected person would see the message. This was her appeal: “This is a long shot, but I’m looking for a woman that was at Tannehill Premier tonight seeing Cinderella at 7 pm,” she wrote while referring to the evening as her son explained it —the bad behavior, the confrontation of her daughters— and said she was humiliated by the girls’ behavior. “If you are this woman, please message me. I can assure you that these girls are being strongly dealt with and appropriately punished. This rude, disrespectful, and awful behavior is unacceptable and they owe you an apology. My husband and I are having them write your apology letter tonight and we would like to pay for your next movie and snacks out of their allowance. Please message me if this is you. I apologize profusely for their disrespect.”

The post was quickly shared around social media. The local Jefferson County Sheriff’s office posted the status, and from there it was shared nearly 47,000 times and got nearly 10,000 comments and more than 246,000 likes.

The Celebration of a Quintessential Lady.

Titilola, iyawo mi atata, Iyalode (1st Class):

On this joyful occasion of your birthday, I pray that God grants all the good desires of your heart. You have earned the rare distinction of being a quintessential lady, wife, lover, mother, advisor and confidant…all rolled into one.

Happy birthday! Many happy returns of the day, Long life and Prosperity. I LOVE YOU.

 

 

 

 

U.S. Rep. Chaka Fattah Sr: Physician, Heal Thyself.

According to news reports, Chaka Fattah Jr. the son of U.S. Rep. Chaka Fattah Sr. is currently awaiting trial over $200,000 in various spurious bank loans. The Feds are of the view that Chaka Fattah Jr. diverted the loans to live his fun-filled life as a “socialite”. In spite of his being a drop-out, the young man is said to have his residence in a $600,000 Ritz-Carlton condo. He is also reportedly spending lavishly on exotic cars for him and his girlfriend. And lest I forget, the man is alleged to have racked up over $33,000 in casino gambling debts.

The Bible says "Physicians, heal thyself." I have often wondered how some guys can claim to be effective in running the affairs of state, as huge as it is, when they cannot manage their lives or homes. Now, which is a greater responsibility?

The senior Fattah, a U.S. Rep; is supposed to be representing the interest of millions of people at the federal level. Yet, he cannot really be said to have got his life in order. He is twice divorced and on a third wife. And here is just one of his kids that is alleged to be a downward spiral educationally, and yet living large on other people’s money. This is an irritating irony of life that is common among folks who are in the public eyes. It’s worse for political leaders that are entrusted with caring for the lives of those in their political constituents, many of whom are poor.

These public figures are like some pastors whose charity don’t begin at home. They preach about morals, being “born again” and all that. Yet, their kids are the essential anti-thesis to everything they sermonize about on daily basis.

Tribute to All Great Parents.

A Birthday Wish for My Daughter.

Ifeoluwa (Iyalode 2nd), as you celebrate your birthday today, may the good Lord continue to bless you most abundantly with His great abiding faith, love, mercies, long life and prosperity. To the glory of God, you are one of the bedrocks of my life, a source of my constant state of joy, peace and contentment. Happy birthday, my beautiful daughter!!!

A Tale of Two “Sweet Sixteen”.

Recently, Lil Wayne’s daughter, Reginae Carter, was reported to have celebrated her 16th birthday anniversary with pomp and pageantry. To her celebrity parents, becoming a “sweet sixteen” was a big feat. And for this huge "achievement", she was rewarded with a BMW SUV by her father while the mother gave her a Ferrari GTO.

Initially, when the news broke, I felt some sense of shame. Why so? My daughter, Ebunoluwa, also attained the age of sixteen this year. For my daughter though, becoming a “sweet sixteen” was not the only feat achieved. Earlier, at a tender age of fifteen, she got admitted into college. That was the age Lil Wayne's daughter completed middle school. Unlike the rapper's daughter, my daughter actually turned sixteen while in college and she has since been maintaining the status of a straight “A” student which culminated into her acceptance into an Honor’s society. In a sharp contrast to Lil Wayne’s daughter therefore, my daughter deserved a plane, possibly one of those luxurious executive Lear jets. But what did I give her? Some clothes and a dinner at Red Lobsters, a sea food restaurant!

In the final analysis however, my shame turned into pride when, in a subsequent discussion with my daughter, I was made to understand a salient point. She did not envy Lil Wayne’s daughter. If anything at all, she would rather sympathize with the “poor” girl. Why so? The teenager's case is like that of a Biblical phrase about the impossibility of anyone “worshiping God with Mammon at the same time”. Luxurious, exotic cars with loads of cash can never go together with a teenager’s pursuit of education, sense of values or moral standards. Sooner or later, all those material things will pass away. But nothing can ever take away an education and neither can anything surpass a high sense of values.

And I concurred.

 

There Are Worse Things in Life.

Things to Do When You've Been Betrayed.

After being betrayed, most of us want two things, usually at the same time. We want to wound the person who hurt us—as deeply and as excruciatingly—as we've been wounded, and we want to rise above the situation and offer that person forgiveness. But neither of these tactics work. Wounding words tend to boomerang and make you feel as terrible as the person you wanted to hurt. Forgiveness, especially if halfhearted, tends to come off as condescension.

There are actions, though, that you can take to can heal yourself. Every hurt has its own story, and so does every healing. But we can say this: You can heal yourself when you've filled the hole left behind by a betrayal, and you can heal the other person when you sincerely drop the need for revenge.

Remember, the only betrayals that inflict damage are the ones where an intimate bond has been torn. Love makes you merge with another person, able to feel their emotions as keenly as you feel your own. If you have experienced such bonding, you know that it is a kind of higher reality—and when that bond is ripped apart, it's as if you've lost half of yourself. So how can you get out of torment and find yourself again?

1. Gain some detachment. Stand back and view yourself as if you were the helper, not the victim.


2.  Don't indulge in emotions you cannot afford. Don't act as if you’re feeling worse than you really are—or better.

3. Make a plan for emotional recovery. Look at where you hurt, feel wounded or see yourself as victimized, then set out to heal these areas. Don't rely simply on letting time do it for you.

4. Feel the hole inside and grieve over it—but promise yourself that you will fill it.

5. Seek a confidant who has survived the same betrayal and has come out on the other side.

6. Work toward a tomorrow that will be better than yesterday. Don't fixate on the past or what might have been.

7. Counter self-pity by being of service to someone else. Counter regret by seeking out activities that build your self-esteem.

Written by Deepak Chopra.

The Height of Moral Degradation in Gods’ Own Country.

“The Strawberry letter” segment on the Steve Harvey Morning Show is one of my favorites. Every morning, people write letters to the show, baring their souls on some very personal issues. Some listeners are of the view that the letters are fictitious. But the presenters and, especially Shirley Strawberry, have often stated that the letters are real. And I believe them.

Today’s strawberry letter was a two-handed, heart-wrenching type. A man ( the letter-writer) wrote to say that he loved his wife (to whom he has been married since ten years ago) but that at the moment, he was at what I would describe as an emotional cross-road.

On the one hand, he started an affair with a sibling of his wife about three years ago. The sibling in question however was the twin brother of his wife. Now, the lover is threatening to inform his sister about the affair unless the letter-writer divorced her. Here was a guy desperate enough to break his sister’s marriage just so that he and the letter-writer could continue their gay relationship without hindrance.

On the other hand, the letter-writer wanted to justify the affair with his brother in-law by disclosing that his wife had cheated on him shortly after they got married. And guess who she cheated with? It was the letter-writer’s father. In fact, the woman got pregnant and had a baby boy for the older guy. The little boy is now being raised by the letter-writer. In view of this cheating issue therefore, the letter-writer believed that he had the moral right to comply with his gay lover’s demand.

Tommy Nephew’s response to the bundle of absurdities was the best in my view. At a future family re-union, Tommy gave hints about the way principal characters in that letter would be introduced?  To start with, the man’s wife would simultaneously be seen as his wife and as a step mother. The man’s gay lover would be introduced as his brother in-law and as his “significant other”. And the letter-writer’s hapless son could also double up as his brother. What a spectacle that family re-union would exhibit?

And I thought I had seen and heard everything about moral degradation in God’s own country. But that strawberry letter on the Steve Harvey Morning Show has since convinced me that I “ain't seen nothing yet"

I Miss My Girl.

My father used to say; “To a parent, a child will always be a child, no matter how much the child has grown.”



Back then, when Ifeoluwa (above) was in  Queens' College, a high school with boarding facility, I was stressing on how she would cope with all those strict  school prefects and “senior” students because of her very young age and fragile frame.

As a college undergraduate (below) my fear was how she would “survive” in the midst of the much older, “street-wise” students on campus.



Now the young lady is all grown and matured with established personal principles…

Shouldn’t a parent calm down and relax? Not me!

Since she relocated to Washington DC last weekend (see the following pictures) to start a new life as a graduate student, I can’t help feeling “somehow” because…I miss my girl…and a lot more than I did during her past academic pursuits.



From left (above) Titilola (my wonderful wife) Me and my girl, Ifeoluwa.



From right (above) Ifeoluwa, Ebunoluwa (a.ka. last born) and Titilola (the proud mom).