If You Don't Do These 5 Things, Your Marriage Will Not Work, Period.

In our continuing search for great marriages around the world, we journeyed to the beautiful country of New Zealand. Our interviews with happily married couples took us to the cities of Auckland, Wellington, Queenstown, Milford Sound, Wanaka, Arrowtown and Glenorchy. We flew in a twin-engine plane over Milford Sound, rode a boat on gorgeous glacier lakes, drove a Jeep down country roads in search of great marriages throughout New Zealand. 

This research excursion of ours covered nearly 18,000 miles by the time we arrived home. Does jet-lag come to mind? While we interviewed a number of long-time couples in New Zealand (both married and unmarried), there are two that stand out the most. Allow us to share the marriage advice we learned from two sets of lovebirds (both married for over 60 years) — Hank and Hanny, and Harold and Dorothy. 

In interviewing these two couples, we found that their advice for a successful marriage echoed each other! We never cease to be amazed at just how universal marriage advice is, whether from couples in New Zealand or the United States. There is almost a mystical consistency to the messages we hear. 

So, here in a nutshell are the five ingredients of a successful marriage, as shared with us by Hank and Hanny, Harold and Dorothy, and all those other couples we interviewed: 

1. Trust is at the heart of a great marriage: Trust is built over time. In the best marriages, trust grows and is never diminished. There is no cheating, dishonesty or infidelity in great marriages and relationships. And to those who say that you can repair your loving relationship after one partner violates the most basic trust — all we can say is, you risk joining the ranks of those couples who got divorced!

2. A successful marriage is easy to understand ... but difficult to put into practice: Marriage is not for the faint of heart. A successful marriage takes hard work: be kind, show respect, engage in simple acts and loving gestures. In the end, a successful marriage is an accumulation of having done the simple things. Never, ever be lulled into thinking you can take your marriage for granted. Work to make it work everyday of your lives together. 

3. Laugh, don't cry: In marriage, it is always better to laugh a lot than to cry. Nobody ever promised your marriage would be great all the time. All marriages go through trauma and uncertainty. Your relationship is not alone in this. What makes your marriage work is how you react to the tough times — the uncertain times. Sometimes, you just need to laugh a lot! Laughing cleanses the soul. Laughter purifies the relationship between you and your partner. How about more laughter in your lives together? Laughter could make or break your marriage. 

4. Express your love (in small and big gestures): The most successfully married couples tell us this — express love to your mate multiple times during the day in a variety of ways. If you truly love someone you will find many ways to tell them. And there is a corollary — it is not enough to love someone and to express that love. The one you love should also be your best friend. In our travels around the world, we have discovered many simple truths, but most importantly, among these is that the one you love must also be your best friend! 

5. Give and take: In great marriages, you win some and you lose some. Never be obsessed by being right! Frankly, the most important notion you should take from this is that great marriages are characterized by "finding common ground" and "creating common solutions." Share the burden. Don't always feel like you have to find the best solution by yourself. Search for areas of agreement. Great relationships share the decision-making. Being right when you are wrong is not a good solution to any debate. Give a little and take a little. Arrive at the common ground that makes your relationship work.

Creating a successful marriage is not always the easiest thing to do. We took hundreds of tips from the thousands of happy couples we interviewed and put them into our award-winning and bestselling book, Building A Love That Lasts. Today, you can see how you stack up to the best marriages around the world. Take this marriage quiz to assess your chances of achieving a successful marriage of your own. 

Courtesy: YourTango.

What’s the Matter with the World?

What’s the matter with the world,

has the world gone mad?

(But) nothing’s wrong with the world.

It’s the people that are in it.

You can depend

on the sun (because) it rises every day.

But you can’t rely on the things people say.

Rain falls from the sky

to give water so life won’t die

except you and me.   

A Gift of Trust and Negative Impressions.

How many times have some of us received a wrapped gift on which is boldly written, “Fragile—Handle with Care”? This is precisely the impression that comes with the issue of trust. Trust is like a fragile gift. When reposed in a person, it can either be nourished or destroyed by the type of impression generated by the beneficiary to the folks around them.

Once upon a time, people could trust certain individuals in positions of trusts. Now for example, the impression is that only foolish parents will entrust their kids with Catholic priests. With many “Pentecostal” pastors owning private jets and living extravagantly, only naive Christians make a big deal about paying tithes. And these days, teachers, counselors and sports coaches are viewed with suspicions lest they abuse kids in their care. These trust issues were preceded by negative impressions on the part of the perpetrators but the impressions were branded as mere rumors and ignored.

Professionally, some of us have fallen victims of colleagues who betrayed our trusts in the past. And it wasn’t as if we didn’t see the problems coming. At one time or the other, we were presented with certain negative impressions about them but we ignored the warnings. Sadly, there have been other forms of breached trusts in friendships, marriages, relationships and other human endeavors all because the warning signs were ignored.

Yes, I Have Trust Issues.

Usually, I don’t bother my head about what other people think of me. And I'm realistic enough to always look beyond smiling faces. However, there are times when I imagine the kind of thoughts shrouded in the minds of certain individuals. I was in a meditative mood over this issue sometimes ago when a colleague came over. We had barely exchanged pleasantries and traded some banters when he threw a question at me.

Colleague: Hey no offense, but there's one thing I’ve been trying to figure out about you…
Me: What’s that?
Colleague: I have this feeling that you have trust issues…
Me: (Interrupting him mid-sentence) Yes, I do have trust issues.
Colleague: (Sighs) You’re not even denying it?
Me: (Very calmly) No.
Colleague: (Pauses briefly) Okay…So, how come you have trust issues?
Me: (Smiling) Listen…I've come a long way. In the banking/financial industry, I held very sensitive positions. If I didn’t have trust issues, I would have ended up in jail or dead.
Colleague: Wow! That's something...
Me: My folks have a saying about life; "People's wish for you is to be like a partridge with all its aura of poverty." If I didn't have trust issues, wouldn't I be like that hapless bird today?
Colleague: (Now laughing) That's right!
Me: In my current profession, with all the risks and hazards involved, if I didn’t have trust issues, I could have been fired or worse, dead by now.
Colleague: Oh, I know about that one…
Me: Great! And what about my days as a bachelor with different women in my life? If I didn’t have trust issues, I would not have been so painstakingly patient enough to meet and marry the most wonderful lady in the world.
Colleague: (Now laughing) That’s so true! Okay, I understand where you’re coming from…
Me: Good! Now, you know why I have trust issues.

The Inevitability of Disappointment.

“Disappointment is inevitable. But to become discouraged, there's a choice I make. God would never discourage me. He would always point me to himself to trust him. Therefore, my discouragement is from Satan. As you go through the emotions that we have, hostility is not from God, bitterness, unforgiveness, all of these are attacks from Satan.” - Charles Stanley.

 

 

The Perils of the Internet.

“Generally, social networking sites

can be hugely promising and beneficial

in opening new friendships

and vistas

and knowledge of the world,

but they are also fraught with peril,

when young people are reckless

or headless.”

- Richard Blumenthal.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Marriage: For Better or For Worse?

I was a witness to a real-life drama that happened this morning Tuesday May 29, 2012:

Phone rang and was answered by a woman.

Woman: Hello...

Jeweler (A man's voice): Hello, are you "so and so" that dropped a wedding ring with us for resizing at XYZ Jewelries?

Woman: Yes...is it ready for pick-up?

Jeweler: Yes ma'am! But I have an observation to make, if you don't mind.

Woman: No problem, what's it?

Jeweler: Ma'am...I'm afraid, your wedding ring must have been purchased from some TV informercial.

Woman: What do you mean?

Jeweler: Ma'am, I've been on this job for over twenty years and so, I know a cheap piece of junk when I see one.

Woman: What...are you talking about my wedding ring?

Jeweler: Yes ma'am! That ring should cost nothing more than forty or fifty Dollars....

Woman: No way! Wait...just wait a minute!

The woman dialed another number to make the call a 3-way conversation. And soon her future groom came on the line.

Woman: There is this gentleman from XYZ Jewelries on the line and I want you to hear what he is saying.

Jeweler: Are you the future groom sir?

Man: Yes...what's going on?

Jeweler: You must have purchased the wedding ring from a TV informercial because it's a piece of cheap junk.

Man: Excuse me! What is...

Woman (Interrupts her man rudely): Just wait and let the man talk...he has over twenty years experience as a jeweler.

Jeweler: Yes that's right...I'm an expert on jewelries...

Man: But I knew the ring I bought was not a piece of junk...you must be talking about some other rings.

Jeweler: Sir, I'm talking about the ring you bought.

Man: But...

Woman (Interrupts): No but, Okay! My daddy has spent a lot of money on this wedding.

Man (Sounds embarrassed): Hey baby...

Woman (Interrupts very rudely this time): Just shut it! My daddy spent a lot of money on this wedding. You only had to buy a wedding ring and all you could afford was a piece of junk?

Man: I beg your pardon?

Jeweler: Sir, you should have bought something special...for God's sake this is your fiancee...

Woman (Screams angrily): That's right...a fiancee. Thank God...I'm not yet his wife.

Man: Baby, can you please listen to me?

Woman: There is nothing to listen to...I'm not getting married to a cheap, lousy man who cannot afford to get his future bride a real ring except some piece of cheap junk!

As the woman continued to screams and disrespect her future groom, the so-called jeweler suddenly cut in to say:

Jeweler: Hey, this is Steve Harvey Show...

There was a sudden silence on all sides of the phone.

Woman (Recovers from the shock): Oh, no! No way...

Jeweler (Laughing): Yes...it was your niece (mentioned the name) that arranged for us to give you this prank phone call.

Woman (Showing remorse): Oh my God! Baby, I'm so sorry...

Man: (Said NOTHING!)

Woman: Baby, I'm really sorry...and I'll make it up to you...

END

It's amazing how some marriages are doomed long before they are solemnized. Actually, the future of most marriages are reduced and predicated on the mere weddings that precede them. Therefore, once the weddings are over, the marriages are as good as over. They are a huge joke that brings gross disrepute to the institution of marriage. As for the weddings, almost everyone of them are now like the Titanic, all pricey and flamboyant but without the necessary ingredients that can be used to lay a solid foundation for a marriage.  So, as soon as they take off, they hit the rocks.

The woman in the above drama is definitely more interested in the upcoming wedding than the marriage. She refused blatantly to give her future husband, at least, the benefits of the doubt. She distrusted and flagrantly disown the man's side of the argument against a completely unknown individual that simply described himself as a jeweler. Without being sarcastic or pessimistic, one can easily predict the fate of the couple's upcoming wedding because there is absolutely a lack of values on the part of the future bride.

It was tempting to say it took a mere radio show to show the type of person the woman was. But a deeper thought would indicate that her character traits had always been there with her. It's just that, like a typical man, the future husband must have been temporarily blinded by the "pretty face" and other mundane, superficial attributes to pay attention to the real thing, the sense of values. And usually, with such men, after a few weeks or months into the marriage, they will suddenly start to complain and ask questions about stuff they have known about all along.

Don't you judge me!

"Don't you judge me!" How many times have we made or heard that statement?

According to a popular Yoruba adage, "A person always knows when he or she does something terrible but goes into denial while expecting someone else to tell them." Unfortunately, when such a terrible person does get to meet someone that reveals their character to them, the usual reaction from them is "Don't you judge me!"

Most people will cling on to denial whether they are addicted to drugs, alcohol or gambling. There are individuals who are into terribly bad habits that daily threaten to derail their careers, marriages or relationships. Yet, they hate to be told or reminded about these social maladies because of some pride or sheer stubborn attitudes...that is until something in their lives is destroyed.

This was the lesson a woman learned some years back in a very hard way. An American-based friend of mine was in Germany on vacation and one night, his host took him on a night's out. The guys were passing by a red-light district of Berlin when they saw a group of multiracial hookers advertising their bodies by the side of the street. As the two fed their eyes on the barely-clad flesh all around, my friend recognized one of the hookers and the shock made him yell at his host to stop the car. The woman and her husband were resident in Nigeria. So, my friend wondered why the woman was in Germany. When they pulled to a stop, two hookers took that as an invitation to jump into the darkness-filled car. Incidentally, one of the hookers was the identified woman. Irritated by this scenario, my friend's host announced to the women that they were not looking for hookers but that they pulled over for a different reason.

As the women hissed in frustration and tried to step out of the car, my friend suddenly turned on the car's inner light and called the name of the woman. Stunned to see the man, the woman initially started to plead that her secret be kept secret. She admitted that she lied to her husband about a business trip to Europe. But these pleas and explanations did not impress my friend as he confronted the woman for doing something that was not only shameful but also a danger to her husband. Finally, the woman could not take it anymore.

She was said to have flared up in anger, saying "Don't you dare judge me!"

"Judge you?" my friend stared at her in disbelief. "This is no judgement call. All I'm trying to do is tell you something you already know is bad..."

"And so...what's your business in this matter anyway...are you my husband?" the woman asked. "Listen, I dare you to tell my husband...then, we shall see who will come out of this scarred for trying to destroy my home."

With this declaration, the woman stomped off the car.

All through his return trip back to the United States, my friend was in dilemma. Should he inform his friend in Nigeria or keep the secret to himself? He decided to be a good friend by calling his friend in Nigeria.

"Hey buddy..." the other man said as he listened to my friend's story. "It was good you called to tell me...I just saw a picture in which you were talking with my wife in Germany."

"What!" my friend exclaimed in shock. "How did you get that?"

The other man chuckled, saying he had to put a "tail" on his wife as she departed for Europe. This action was the culmination of a negative report that he got the previous time the woman was in Dubai. It was a female relative of the man who saw his wife in a compromised situation in the middle-eastern country. The man's niece tried to call the woman to order about the disgraceful incident. But instead of taking the wise counsel, the woman told her husband's niece to mind her own business and stop judging her.

"As a business woman..." the other man went on to say. "Today, it's Germany, tomorrow, it's Dubai. She has been all over the place on so-called business trips and I never suspected she had been doing something else. So, this time around, I employed someone to follow her and keep a tab on her."

What if my friend had not called to disclose his discovery...how would he have subsequently explained his being "caught" on camera with his best friend's wife?

And as for the woman, if only she had listened the first time! Now, she did not know the horrible reception waiting for her back home in Nigeria where adultery is not only seriously frowned upon but also considered an abomination. 

Whenever we have the privilege to have a mirror thrust to our face to behold some flaws we have always seen but ignore, we should have the social grace to express gratitude to the person holding the mirror. It's a call for an urgent sober reflection instead of a denial or whining and crying about being judged.