Why Are Young Adults So Darn Confused?

How society has made life difficult for young people

Six-year-olds are children. Fourteen-year-olds are teenagers. Forty-year-olds are adults. There would likely be little disagreement about any of these claims.

But what about 18, 19, 20, or 21 year olds? Or 25-year-olds, for that matter? What are they?

People in their late teens and twenties – those who are no longer minors but who have not yet taken on full adult responsibilities – have become a unique age group. Many risky behaviors, such as heavy alcohol use, use of illegal drugs, sex with acquaintances or relative strangers, and drunk driving peak during the 18-25 year-old age group. Many people in this age group keep switching college majors, moving into and out of their families’ homes, changing jobs, and moving in and out of relationships.

What is it with these people? Why do they take so many foolish risks, and why won’t they just grow up?

My colleague Jeff Arnett has devoted much of his career to helping us understand this age group. He started by asking young people between 18 and 25 whether they thought of themselves as adults. A few said yes, and a few said no, but most of them said “in some ways yes, and in some ways no.” This was not a casual or blow-off answer. Our society really doesn’t have much of a formal place for people who have finished their secondary schooling but who have not yet settled down into “permanent” adult roles. Indeed, the way our society is configured actually prevents many people in the 18-25 age group from settling down.

For much of the 20th Century, there was a fairly standard path from formal schooling into adulthood. Many young people got married shortly after finishing high school, many men took entry-level jobs, and many women became stay-at-home mothers and homemakers. The jobs that young people took after finishing high school were often apprenticeship-type positions or positions working in the mailroom, in a steel mill, on an assembly line, et cetera. Workers who showed promise and dedication could sometimes move up in the company, and many working people stayed with the same company – or in the same line of work – for most or all of their careers. My grandfather, for example, started out in the mailroom of a costume jewelry business and eventually became the CEO.

Starting in the late 1960s and 1970s, things began to change. Many women grew tired of staying home and raising children while their husbands went to work. The steel mills began to close, and machines began to take the place of assembly line workers. Having watched their parents spend their lives in unhappy – or at least unsatisfying – marriages, many young people in the 1970s decided to wait longer to marry and to become parents, and some of those who found themselves in unhappy or unfulfilling marriages got divorced. The pipeline directly from high school into marriage and the workforce was beginning to break down, and young people began to flock to colleges and universities to acquire the knowledge and skills necessary to be competitive for the jobs that were available. Especially beginning in the 1980s, college became a time and place to “try out” adult roles, career choices, and relationship preferences. According to the National Center for Education Statistics, the number of Americans attending college full time increased by 430% between 1959 and 2010 – nearly six times the 72% increase in the overall U.S. population during that time.

Further, many young people were delaying marriage until their mid-twenties, and the social taboo against having sex before marriage began to ease. So the two primary issues that once were generally resolved shortly after high school – career and romantic partnership – were being delayed, and young people were expected to make choices in these areas rather than simply “falling into” a job and a marriage. This evolution from the traditional high-school-to-work transition to a more extended transition based on trying out potential choices was based both on individuals’ desire to change traditional gender roles and on the decreasing availability of entry-level jobs. These changes created the life stage that Arnett calls “emerging adulthood” (roughly ages 18-25).

So the reason why young people engage in such risky behavior and live such transitory lives lies in the combination of changing social norms, shifting economic conditions, and advancing technology. A college degree today is worth about as much as a high school degree was worth 40 or 50 years ago – it is the entry point for many professions, and it would be difficult to get a job in many fields without at least a bachelor’s degree. More and more people are enrolling in master’s degree programs, which means more time in school and an even more delayed entry into the workforce. The increased credentials required for many jobs, coupled with a shrinking job market, also mean that many more people will not be able to successfully compete for high-paying and satisfying jobs. More and more young people are moving back in with their parents (or not moving out in the first place) because they cannot find suitable work. More young people than ever are struggling to find their way. Risky behaviors are a form of identity exploration for some emerging adults who are looking to experiment with possible life paths and relationships, but these behaviors are often a mode of escape for young people who are unable to compete in an increasingly difficult and complex world. 



 At the same time, social norms have moved even further away from anything that my grandparents’ generation would recognize. The majority of births in the United States are now to mothers who are not married. Many couples are living together indefinitely with no plans to marry. Many people view breasts and genitals not as “private” parts (as they once were viewed), but as potential fashion statements. Breast augmentation, Brazilian bikini waxes, and male enhancement treatments are only some of the ways in which people are marketing themselves sexually. The very thought of a “sexual marketplace” is foreign even to my generation. We now have smartphone apps that provide the physical locations of potential hookup sex partners, and people are transmitting pictures of their genitals through social media. Behaviors that were once reserved for the sanctity of a married couple’s bedroom are now marketed and displayed publicly – thereby increasing the pressure on young people to “measure up” to some imaginary and unreachable standard. Our role models today are less likely to include presidents and newscasters, and more likely to include celebrities whose reckless behavior quickly creates new social standards. So not only are many young people blocked from reaching adulthood, but they are bombarded with role models for childish and irresponsible behavior. Lifestyles that would have been considered deviant 50 years ago are now commonplace. Our society has made it so difficult to become a functioning an adult, while at the same time providing plenty of role models for immaturity – so is it any wonder that today’s young people are living lifestyles that many of us from earlier generations think is crazy?

By Seth Schwartz Ph.D.

A Forgettable Anniversary.

Revenge of Mother Nature.

In God’s own country, we love to abandon things, irrespective of their importance. Unlike most other civilized nations, we easily get bored. And when that happens, we rush to dump and trash important stuff.

We are like a spoilt child who gets a new toy but after a few days, get bored with it and expects something new. And whenever we don’t quickly get that “something new”, we invent it. It’s like that with music genres, sporting events, education, historical monuments and core moral values.

Nothing however has suffered the most ridicule and trashing as core moral values, a major part of which is sex. Out of boredom and a strong need for extreme excitements, too many people have resorted to sexual adventures that will make jungle animals blush with embarrassments. And as fate will have it, this is an integral aspect of life that is often met with some very stiff repercussions from Mother Nature whenever there is a breach.

Keep scrolling down beyond the picture below for more write-ups:



Let’s start with anal sex. Even dogs don’t stoop low to do it. Those indulging in this type of sexual style risk all kinds of diseases, the worst of which is renal failure. There is another sexual variety called fellatio a.k.a. blowjob. This is an oral sex act involving the use of a mouth or throat. As a result of this dumb “style”, there are lots of women and men who are now suffering from oral gonorrhea. This disease destroys throats and mouths with painful, cancerous inflammation, stinking pus and very ugly sores.

If the above examples are considered horrendous, what about bestiality? This is the practice where a man or a woman has sex with an animal. Out of loneliness, boredom or desire for excitements, a growing number of women now indulges in sexual relationships with their dogs. Out there also are men who regularly have sex with dogs, goats and donkeys.

And, of course, Mother Nature has a way of dealing ruthlessly with all these crazy perverts. Ironically, when they go see their doctors, they project the image of nice, cool individuals who just happen to suffer from some strange diseases as shown in the picture below.

What Manner of Men Are Out There These Days?

There are many men out there. And they are mostly unsuitable for a long-time-relationship or marriage. Here are samples:



A man’s head is filled with corn rows. And when he is not going about with those silly braids, his head is covered with some lousy rags. He proudly indicates that all these are in a bid to show that he has a thug attitude even though he is well in his middle twenties. He needs to grow up!

A man spends too much time in front of a mirror. He has a cosmetic case or a table filled with so many hair grooming stuff and “make-up” items that one will think the house belongs to a woman. Outside, people see him as pretty, not handsome. If you stand on a line behind him at a check-out counter, you can mistake him for a woman. Unless you are a lesbian, this is not a real man!

A man speaks with a falsetto rather than with a real man’s vocal tone. When he is angry, he screams like a woman instead of yelling as a real man does. Whenever he is frustrated or involved in an argument, a pair of tears soon wells up in his eyes. He needs to man up!



 

A man spends too much time in a gym. But all he does is focus all attention on building his chest and biceps or triceps. That is an indication that he is deficient in the most sensitive area of his body. Unless it doesn’t matter to you (and that will be a lie) watch out!

A man drives a Lexus. He wears designer clothes and shoes. But he still lives with his mama…in her house. It doesn’t matter if he pays rent and parts of the utility bills. And, of course, his age does not matter. He needs to grow up!

A man is in his middle thirties. He has a great job, a house, a car and looks like a guy from the cover of a glossy magazine. Yet, he is single. Please, for your own sake, do not assume that he is a “player”, except if a major hobby of his is to play with toys. Underneath that “cool” façade may actually be a scared “mama’s boy”, a little boy trapped inside a grown body, a sociopath, a closet psychopath or a man “On-The-Down-Low”. Before you rush to fall in love with a fluke of a man, open your eyes!

 

 

Women & The Relationship Department.

When will most women get it; that men don’t think like them in the relationship department?

The objectives of each party in a relationship are very much different. With a new man in her life, a woman begins to evaluate him to know if he will be a casual boyfriend or a potential “Mr. Right”. But a man is only interested in one thing; how soon he can get the woman into bed.

As for sex, the importance attached to it by each party differs. A typical woman sees sex as an emotional thing. It’s like giving out a piece of her body. She quickly develops a sense of self-importance as soon as she begins to “dole out” sex to the man. And she looks forward to getting some form of appreciation for her “duty”.

But to a man, a relationship is all about sex, first and foremost. That is why men often use sex to determine the lifespan of every relationship. The earlier a man begins to get sex, the quicker he feels there is no need to really get to know the woman. And once he gets his fill of the woman’s body, he can leave without batting an eyelid. No regret! No remorse!

How Single Mothers Expose Their Daughters to Abuse.

Lakeera Watson woke up with a start. The 16 year old teenager looked around with sleepy eyes, wondering why she woke up. Then, she heard some rude noises, the source of which she could not place immediately.

   Impulsively, she glanced at the table clock beside her bed. It indicated that the time was ten minutes after one in the morning.

   She decided to go back to sleep. But when the noises persisted, she got up slowly from her queen-sized bed.

   Grabbing a robe from atop a nearby chair, the girl wore it quickly over her night dress. Then, she walked toward the direction of the noises.

   Lakeera Watson had almost reached her mother’s bedroom, when she realized that it was her mother who had been giggling so noisily.

   Wondering about the object of the older woman’s amusement; the sleepy-eyed girl decided to go check for herself.

   The teenager had barely reached the door of the bedroom when the laughter changed into soft cries. Baffled by the sudden turn of events, the girl quickly moved closer to the half-closed door and gently pushed it to let herself in. And that was when she got the rudest shock of her life.

   Lying intertwined on the bed, with eyes tightly shut was her spread-eagled mother and a man atop her. The man was heard breathing heavily as he engaged in what appeared, in the girl’s consciousness, to be an act of sex.

   Stunned by the gory sight, the girl was momentarily transfixed to one spot while she listened to the heavy grunts and some weird whistling sounds that came from both her mother and the man.

   Suddenly, Lakeera heard her mother and the man cry out in ecstasy. Not really comprehending the situation, the teenager also heard her mother yell a command to the man to get off her.

     In disgust, the teenager bolted from the room. But in the process, she inadvertently knocked one of her arms on the edge of the door.

   It was this commotion that exposed her presence in the room.

   Alerted by the noisy departure of her daughter, Sherri Watson and her lover turned sharply to catch a fleeting glimpse of the fleeing girl.

   “Oh, no.” the older Watson sprang up from the bed to put on a bath robe.

“What the hell was she doing here?” her boyfriend asked in anger as he too sat up in the bed. Without an answer, Sherri Watson walked slowly toward her daughter’s room.     

This is an excerpt from The Temptation of Fate, a book by Femi Olawole.

Casual Sex Only Leads to Casual Stress.

Sexual hookups have now become a major culture in the United States and many other parts of the Western Hemisphere. While this culture is particularly prevalent among men and women in their early twenties, it is also a form of orientation among teenagers.

With the gap between puberty and entry into marriage getting ever wider, these teenagers and young adults are turning more and more to casual relationships as a way to express and satisfy their emotional needs through sex. 

In the United States, this issue has already reached an epidemic level. Unfortunately, it is often too late for these young people to realize that casual sex only leads to casual stress. The stress here is a summary of long-time physical and emotional pains. And the worse victims of the epidemic are the female participants.

Fortunately, this issue has attracted the interest of social scientists. For instance, a Kinsey Institute researcher, Justin Garcia and his team from SUNY analyzed its grave physical and psychological impacts in a 2012 comprehensive review. Hear them:

“In addition to risks of contracting STDs, unwanted pregnancies, and being raped or otherwise assaulted, people who engage in casual sex may suffer emotional consequences that persist long past the details of the encounter are but a dim memory.  On college campuses, where brief sexual liaisons are as prevalent as parties on a Friday night, the unanticipated results of a hookup can jeopardize a student’s career.  In the workplace, the results can be just as disastrous, if not more so.”

Fumbling & Wobbling Into Maturity.

“On the subject of sex, many youngsters are so ignorant that they can only fumble and wobble into maturity. Most parents, on the other hand, are either playing “the ostrich” or (and) playing the role of a moral judge. To these parents, the mere sight or mention of a condom to their kids by anyone (even on the TV) is enough to send the parents into fits of rage and righteous indignation.” - The Price of Ignorance.

A Stitch in Time.

Some years ago, Queen’s College, the top notch girls-only high school in Lagos, Nigeria held its PTA meeting. The meeting had barely ended when many of the parents, panic-stricken, dashed toward the dormitories to bombard their daughters with a cacophony of queries and threats of “fire and brimstones”.

The cause of this uproar had been the disclosure that some of the students were found with contraceptives. As a parent of one of the students who was following the events on phone over 10,000 miles away, I could appreciate the official concern of the school authorities. But the hysterics and the moral posturing of the parents were absolutely uncalled for. These reactions, if anything, were terribly flawed.

It’s amazing to behold the "fire department" manner by which a great number of parents worldwide react to the upsurge in sexual promiscuity among teenagers. If they are not blaming the TV, the movies and the other usual scapegoats, these parents are ever busy placing all emphasis on the female child. Alas…they are as ignorant as the kids for whom they seem to be concerned.

Governments, mostly in the Third World and even the United States, especially in the Bush era, have been demanding for total abstinence. The situation is worse in Middle-eastern authoritarian societies where political and religious leaders are not only demanding for total sexual abstinence but also have often relied on draconian laws to discourage female teenagers from premarital sex. In the global community however, individual parents and largely more so, in the western hemisphere, have simply resolved to leave kids to their devices.

It’s very important for every parent to have, at least, the patience to provide a basic understanding of the fast-evolving human physiology to their kids. In the 21st Century, there are several preteen girls (as tenderly young as eight years old) who have begun to menstruate. Going further, many of these girls, with their male counterparts, are already experiencing raging hormones that baffle them. But how many parents are up to the task of providing these confused kids with appropriate education and guidance?

On the subject of sex, many youngsters are so ignorant that they can only fumble and wobble into maturity. Most parents, on the other hand, are either playing “the ostrich” or (and) playing the role of a moral judge. To these parents, the mere sight or mention of a condom to their kids by anyone (even on the TV) is enough to send the parents into fits of rage and righteous indignation.

Ideally, the ultimate panacea to the dangers of sexual recklessness among our young people is abstinence. But to stubbornly insist on abstinence without a consideration of other worthy options is akin to assuming that teenagers are immune to “weakness of the flesh”.

There is a strong need for every family, community and society to strike a reasonable balance between the pursuit of sexual abstinence and safe sex. And this is where sexuality education (sex-ed) comes in as the only effective tool in the attainment of this feat. It’s shameful though that some parents, out of ignorance, view sex-ed as an avenue for indiscriminate sex.

Sex-ed recognizes but goes beyond a mere sermon of sexual abstinence. It’s “a stitch in time that saves nine” with comprehensive information on self-awareness, reproductive organs and preventive measures. No amount of stubborn demands for abstinence can help a fully-blossomed twelve-year-old girl who doesn’t understand the fixation of boys’ attentions to her chest. And neither can this rigid doctrine enable the same girl to grasp the implications of being called a “sweet sixteen” by some leering, dirty old men.

Equipped with sex-ed however, such a fast-growing preteen will get to understand the purpose, cause and effect of her natural endowments. And with this understanding, she is bound to survive, unscathed, the many destructive social pestilences such as unwanted pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases and self-imposed infertility. Better still the preteen is spared a future laden with regrets, physical and emotional scars.

Reactions to "Accept me as I am"

I have been getting e-mails in reaction to "Accept me as I am" published here on May 17, 2012, Most of the mails are coming from women who are either against or in favor of the thrust of the article. And there are those who completely misunderstand my point in the whole thing. To them, it's another demonstration of an insensitive attitude on the part of men to the travails of women. Below are two of the e-mails that I decided to publish today because the women insisted I did.

(i). The first time I read Accept me as I am on your blog site, I wanted to curse you out. I was upset. Okay, I guess I took it a little too personal. But after a while, I took it that you were only responding to the shared personal experience of your lady friend or colleague. Poor woman, her husband had the nerve to ignore her in bed! Do you guys think us women want to be shapeless by choice? For god's sake, the woman lost her figure because of the couple's child whose pregnancy she carried. Do you guys think it's easy to carry a pregnancy for months before going through delivery and then be able to look like one used to?

In my situation, I had my baby last year through a caesarian section. Now, how could I go to the gym or do anything to take off the weight I gained? Besides, some medications I took made me pile on more weight. If my boyfriend dares open his mouth to say I no longer look like I used to, I'll curse the hell out of him because he made my body what it is now.   

(2). I enjoyed reading what you wrote about the need for women to take care of their bodies but I felt I should let you know that men also need to do same. I never cared about workouts until I met my ex-husband. Actually, it was his sexy body, six pack and all that attracted me to him. He was also the person who encouraged me to get in good shape. Right now, no one will ever know I've got two kids because of my great body shape. 

Now guess what? The same guy that taught me to take care of my body is himself now in very bad shape. The last dumb thing that came out of his mouth before I decided to dump his black ass was that he was too old to continue with daily workouts. Too old at 38? But he has never been too old to eat a big box of large pizza and top it with a gallon of soda at just one sitting? Now, he has a pot belly that keeps expanding everyday with a fat, wobbly body. He is a big mess. The last time I saw him, he could not even tie his own shoe laces. Isn't that crazy? So, tell me what use is such a guy to a woman in bed and anywhere? I just wanted you to know that this issue cuts across men and women.