5 Types of Relationships You Should Avoid at All Costs.

Love is hard to find. Some people wait years while others never find it at all. Once you’ve met someone you love, it may be tempting to hold on to them with everything you’ve got, but it’s important to remember that not every type of love leads to a happy, healthy relationship. Love should make you the best version of yourself. It should include more highs than lows. Unfortunately, more often than not, being in love can bring out your worst qualities, fears, and insecurities, especially when you’re intimate with someone who’s dealing with their own baggage.

One survey by YourTango found that 89% of people think that half or more of all people have toxic relationships in their lives. These toxic relationships can be hard to spot as often they come in pretty packages that seem wonderful on the outside but are full of issues and hurt under the surface. Not sure where your relationship falls on the spectrum? Skim through these top five relationships to avoid.





1. Passion overload: A romantic relationship would just be a close friendship without passion. This fiery quality plays an important role in love. It’s what makes you care so deeply, love like crazy, and do things you normally wouldn’t do. While passion is a necessary ingredient in a relationship, too much of it can quickly lead to a toxic, unhealthy relationship. Passion is pure emotion, so when there’s too much passion you may experience high levels of jealousy or big blow out fights. As any couple knows, jealousy and fighting is natural, but overly passionate relationships will experience these qualities to the point that they begin to take over and counteract any good in a relationship.

2. Convenient comfort: These relationships are like your favorite pair of sweatpants. They are familiar, comfortable, and make you feel warm and safe. Like a comfortable, convenient relationship that’s hard to leave, it can be hard to pull off those cozy, fleece-lined sweatpants and squeeze into a stiff pair of jeans. Single life can be rough, making that comfortable relationship all the more appealing. The problem is that comfort doesn’t equal happiness. These convenient relationships just hold you back from finding true happiness and love. 

3. Overly controlled: It’s natural to care about someone and want what’s best for them, but it’s quite another thing to attempt to control their every move. Relationships that revolve around one person’s control over the other are dangerous. If you don’t feel free to be yourself, make your own choices, and decide things for yourself, you may be in an unhealthy, controlling relationship. Maintaining these relationships can hinder your personal growth and may even manipulate you into thinking you’re happy when you’re not. 

4. Lies, lies, lies: Trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship, so when a relationship is built on lies, it’s practically impossible to operate as a healthy, functioning couple. Lying may seem harmless at first. Perhaps it’s just an omission of information or a small, white lie that you say to avoid hurting your partner’s feelings. However, no matter how small, lying is a slippery slope. It may seem harmless, but once you start, it becomes easier and easier to for the lies to slip out, harming a relationship built around them. 

5. Being with the bully: Are you in a relationship where one person has significantly more power and control than the other person? If so, chances are high that you’re in an abusive relationship. Whether physically, mentally, or emotionally operated, bullies function by maintaining enough power that their partner is afraid to challenge them. This relationship runs on fear and fear is the opposite of love. If you find yourself in this exhausting, hurtful relationship, you’ll want to find a way out immediately.

Courtesy: Cheat Sheet.

Angelina Jolie Divorces Brad Pitt.

It’s been confirmed, amidst rumors, by a reliable source to CNN that Angelina Jolie has filed for divorce from husband Brad Pitt. There has been speculation that a tabloid-friendly, child-unfriendly custody battle may ensue over their six children. But a source close to them asserted that both sides want a cordial breakup.

“Other than the fame of the people involved, this is like so many other divorces,” the source said.

The divorce filing may tell a very different story.

Pitt and Jolie got married in 2014 but their relationship became the subject of speculation in 2004, when they co-starred in “Mr. & Mrs. Smith.” At the time, Pitt was married to actress Jennifer Aniston.

According to TMZ, Jolie is seeking physical custody of the couple’s six children — Maddox, Pax, Zahara, Shiloh, Vivienne, and Knox. She is asking the judge to give Pitt visitation, not joint physical custody, which is interesting for a pair, who seemed on the same page when it came to parenting their homeschooled brood and have both said they were raising them as “citizens of the world.”

When a Man Loves a Woman.

When a man loves a woman,

he can't keep his mind on nothing else.

He'll trade the world for the good thing he's found.

If she is bad, he can't see it...she can do no wrong.

He'll turn his back on his best friend if he puts her down.

When a man loves a woman,

he spends his very last dime,

tryin' to hold on to what he needs.

He'd give up all his comforts, sleep out in the rain

if she said that's the way it ought to be…

Song by Percy Sledge.

The Dilemma of a Perfect Gentleman.

I have always believed in the wise words of sages.

I particularly treasure the admonition that a woman of virtue can consider herself, a precious jewel, that must not be given out to the swine of a man, lest he tramples his foot on her. Another word of wisdom is to never bother teaching a pig how to sing. The effort will be a waste of your time and the pig will end up getting angry.

What however happens where a "precious jewel" is handed to an appreciative gentleman who not only loves, adores and cherishes her but also gets over-protective, lest her great values be tarnished? I guess the sages of old would have expected only sheer gratitude from such a woman; except that in today’s world, there is tendency for the woman to react negatively rather than gratefully. And trying , under that circumstance, to explain the situation to an ungrateful woman can only get the man frustrated while the woman gets hassled.

Thinking of You.

This is no cliché…and neither is it a platitude. After 27 years of marriage, you've become my sun, my moon, my guiding star, my kind of wonderful.



I know there is only one like you because there is no way God could have made any other woman like you. You're like the first morning dew on my brand new day. In you I've found so many things…among which is a love so new that only you could bring.

(Adapted from "You're The First, The Last, My Everything" by Barry White).



 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Who Gave Birth to Blue Ivy, Beyonce or Tina Seals?

On top of everything in the lives of both Beyonce and Jay Z and, most especially, the divorce rumors swirling around them, there is now something else. It is a rumor brewing with a very strong aroma around the alleged surrogate mother of Blue Ivy. So, Beyonce did not actually give birth to Blue Ivy?



A woman, Tina Seals, has filed a suit in a Manhattan court claiming that she was, in fact, the birth mother of Beyonce’s daughter. And she wants custody of the “golden child”, Blue Ivy.

According to some legal experts, there was no way Beyonce and Jay Z could lose the rights to their daughter. But this factor would depend on their alleged relationship with Tina Seals, if any such relationship existed at all.

In the state of New York, it is illegal to pay anyone to act as a surrogate. But unpaid surrogacy is not illegal. Therefore, if indeed Tina Seals did act as a paid surrogate to the power couple, she might have a legitimate case.



Incidentally, two factors are not helping Beyonce in this matter. Firstly, she is very well known to be overtly narcissistic by her grandiose and excessive interest in her physical appearance. Women in her shoes, more so, those who are celebrities usually don’t have a room for any pregnancy or motherhood in their lives. To such women, a baby tends to create some form of unwelcome rivalry.

Secondly, Beyonce did not help her case against a claim of bogus pregnancy when sometimes in 2011, TMZ revealed to the whole world how Beyonce’s purported pregnancy “collapsed” while trying to sit down on a chair (See pictures below). This made many people across the world to believe that she was wearing a prosthetic.



Maybe it’s high time the power couple came out publicly to clear the air by making their positions known on all these wild rumors flying around them. Keeping mom and pretending all are well will never help their images as celebrities of note.

Akon on Beyonce and Jay Z's Marriage.

American R&B and hip hop recording artist, Akon, has lent his voice to the raging rumors of divorce between Beyonce and Jay  Z. While the rumors takes turns and curves all over the internet and the news media, Beyoncé and Jay Z continue to carry on as if all is well. But the more the power couple puts up a public façade, the more the people out there are skeptical about their union. In the meantime, some fellow celebrities have been making their opinions known privately or publicly. One such celebrity is Akon who, in a recent interview with TMZ, observed that the so-called marriage or relationship between Beyonce and Jay Z was all about money than good old-fashioned love. Hear him:

"Their relationship has been more of a business to the outside world than an actual relationship," the "Smack That" singer said to TMZ.



Akon went further to state that "If you become a public figure and you have a relationship, your relationship also becomes public…So if you don't open up to the public, they will naturally speculate."

And that is so right! As far as Beyoncé and Jay Z's relationship is concerned, Akon's theory certainly rings true. In 2014 alone, rumors about infidelity and divorce have run rampant about Bey Z, as the two refuse to address any of the gossips head on. Though the couple is currently on tour together, the media is convinced they are heading for “splitsville”.



In fact, Beyoncé did not help matters when just last month, she changed the lyrics to a song about infidelity while on the stage, and she seemed to direct the ditty at her husband. At the same time, the same Beyonce is all over town posting “We are a happy family” pictures on Instagram, which include Jay and their daughter, Blue Ivy. Unknown to her, the woman was unwittingly adding fuel to the fire by all these fake “P.R.” which, if anything at all, are only adding to the confusions about the status of their marriage.

The important thing for both Beyonce and Jay Z to do now is to publicly make bold the actual relationship between them. Are they married for love or are the two merely a corporate couple doing all these “happy-go-lucky” stuff for money?

Waiting for the Husband to Grow Up.

A couple of weeks after their wedding, Tunde Bhadmus had unwittingly resumed the reckless lifestyle of his erstwhile bachelor days.

Every day, he would return home at the “eleventh hour” and with a different excuse per day. It was either an impromptu party he had to attend somewhere or simply that he had to go out with the “boys”.

In spite of these provocative attitude and lifestyle, a very patient Bola (his heavily pregnant wife) would, on each night, welcome the man home without any fuss.

This simple attitude, Tunde noted, was completely different from those of his friend’s wives. Almost every morning in the office, he would listen as his friends exchanged stories on the bitter quarrels and war of words that their wives waged against them for coming home late the previous night. He wondered why his wife never did any of such things to him.



He decided to satisfy his curiosity one night.

On the fateful night, the man had returned home very late as usual.

As Bola, holding on to a pillow that had been her companion all night, was on her way to the bedroom after chanting the “good night” line, he called her.

“Bola, can I have a word with you?”

The young lady stopped in her tracks. Then she turned back to face him with a curious expression.

“I hope there is no problem.”

“No…no problem. I just wanted to ask a question.”

“A question?”

“Yes. I’m just curious. Why is it that you don’t complain?”

“Complain…about what?”

“Come on, Bola…you’ve never complained about my night crawling…why?”

The young lady stared at her husband briefly without uttering a word in response. Then she smiled.

It was a very cold, cynical smile.

“Are you sure you want me to express my opinion on that issue?”

“Why not…go ahead.”

“Okay…I think the problem with young men like you is that you have refused to grow up.”

“What…what’s that supposed to mean, Bola?”

Even as Tunde’s expression turned ugly in reaction to this remark, Bola only shrugged her shoulders with her cold smile.

“Well…I did ask if you wanted me to express my opinion. And I’m just starting.”

“Ah…what else do you have to say after that ridiculous statement?”

“I’ll continue anyway. Unlike what obtains in many Nigerian homes, some of you young men have been privileged to acquire great academic education from some of the best universities in the world. But in spite of your fantastic qualifications, you are dense in attitudes. Absolutely empty…”

A stunned Tunde looked on speechlessly while the young lady continued with her vituperations.

“Look at you, for instance. Your parents sent you to the prestigious Harvard University in America to obtain a great academic education. But unfortunately and manifestly, you still lack the appropriate psychological stamina to cope with the real challenges of life…”

“Hey…now wait a minute!” Tunde interrupted, his eyes blazing red. “This is preposterous.”

“Please let me finish before you make your response. I’m forced to make this speech in the first place because you asked for it…”

“And so damn what?…” he cut in again.

“And so, you’ll have to wait till I’m done, alright?”

For a very few moment, both husband and wife glared at each other until the woman resumed her speech.

“Now, as I was saying…one of the challenges in life is marriage. You claim to be a married man but every evening, you keep talking about going out with the boys…boys? And I keep asking, when is my husband going to become a man…when is he going to grow up?”

She paused briefly on realizing that the man was speechless as he stared at her in utter disbelief.

“I can’t belief this…”  Tunde finally managed to note quietly.

Unimpressed however, the young lady continued with her speech.

“And you thought I would complain…the same way your friends’ wives complain on daily basis…making fools of themselves? No sir! I married you for better, for worse. So, I just have to wait patiently and dutifully for you to grow up.”

She was about to leave but then turned around again.

“And by the way, have a good night, dear.”

With this conclusion, the obviously tired young lady finally turned to walk slowly towards the bedroom.

Stunned and stupefied beyond words, Tunde continued to glare at her contritely as she walked steadily into the bedroom.

“Wow…I guess I’ve got myself a philosopher for wife.”

Although there was to be no more reference to that strange incident, much to Bola’s surprise, Tunde stopped his wayward, boys-about-town activities, right from the following day. And whenever the man felt he had to attend a social function, he would insist that his wife accompanied him.

This is an excerpt from The Price of Ignorance, a literary fiction by Femi Olawole. To buy the book, click on the following link: http://www.amazon.com/Price-Ignorance-Femi-Olawole/dp/0615842968/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1407592853&sr=1-1&keywords=the+price+of+ignorance+by+femi+olawole



 

 

What Manner of Men Are Out There These Days?

There are many men out there. And they are mostly unsuitable for a long-time-relationship or marriage. Here are samples:



A man’s head is filled with corn rows. And when he is not going about with those silly braids, his head is covered with some lousy rags. He proudly indicates that all these are in a bid to show that he has a thug attitude even though he is well in his middle twenties. He needs to grow up!

A man spends too much time in front of a mirror. He has a cosmetic case or a table filled with so many hair grooming stuff and “make-up” items that one will think the house belongs to a woman. Outside, people see him as pretty, not handsome. If you stand on a line behind him at a check-out counter, you can mistake him for a woman. Unless you are a lesbian, this is not a real man!

A man speaks with a falsetto rather than with a real man’s vocal tone. When he is angry, he screams like a woman instead of yelling as a real man does. Whenever he is frustrated or involved in an argument, a pair of tears soon wells up in his eyes. He needs to man up!



 

A man spends too much time in a gym. But all he does is focus all attention on building his chest and biceps or triceps. That is an indication that he is deficient in the most sensitive area of his body. Unless it doesn’t matter to you (and that will be a lie) watch out!

A man drives a Lexus. He wears designer clothes and shoes. But he still lives with his mama…in her house. It doesn’t matter if he pays rent and parts of the utility bills. And, of course, his age does not matter. He needs to grow up!

A man is in his middle thirties. He has a great job, a house, a car and looks like a guy from the cover of a glossy magazine. Yet, he is single. Please, for your own sake, do not assume that he is a “player”, except if a major hobby of his is to play with toys. Underneath that “cool” façade may actually be a scared “mama’s boy”, a little boy trapped inside a grown body, a sociopath, a closet psychopath or a man “On-The-Down-Low”. Before you rush to fall in love with a fluke of a man, open your eyes!

 

 

Marriage as a Ship.

“Marriage is very much like a commercial ship. 

As the ship sets sail, 

in all its magnificence and majestic splendor, 

it projects a confident, promising aura 

that dazzles the multitudes of spectators. 

Yet, neither the crew nor the teeming crowd 

can foresee what lies ahead in the obscure distance. 

Will the ship go on sailing 

from one adventurous journey to another? 

Or, like the unfortunate Titanic, 

will it collide with an iceberg 

and sink on its very first journey?”

– A short excerpt from The Price of Ignorance by Femi Olawole. http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B002BM0TJ2

Casual Sex Only Leads to Casual Stress.

Sexual hookups have now become a major culture in the United States and many other parts of the Western Hemisphere. While this culture is particularly prevalent among men and women in their early twenties, it is also a form of orientation among teenagers.

With the gap between puberty and entry into marriage getting ever wider, these teenagers and young adults are turning more and more to casual relationships as a way to express and satisfy their emotional needs through sex. 

In the United States, this issue has already reached an epidemic level. Unfortunately, it is often too late for these young people to realize that casual sex only leads to casual stress. The stress here is a summary of long-time physical and emotional pains. And the worse victims of the epidemic are the female participants.

Fortunately, this issue has attracted the interest of social scientists. For instance, a Kinsey Institute researcher, Justin Garcia and his team from SUNY analyzed its grave physical and psychological impacts in a 2012 comprehensive review. Hear them:

“In addition to risks of contracting STDs, unwanted pregnancies, and being raped or otherwise assaulted, people who engage in casual sex may suffer emotional consequences that persist long past the details of the encounter are but a dim memory.  On college campuses, where brief sexual liaisons are as prevalent as parties on a Friday night, the unanticipated results of a hookup can jeopardize a student’s career.  In the workplace, the results can be just as disastrous, if not more so.”

If Only She Knew.

A woman is like a flower,

pretty in exterior design,

fragile in interior decor.

But if only she knew.

Men are out,

Only for her “cookies” 

to eat

like butterflies are out,

only for the nectar  

of unwary flower 

to suck.

But if only she knew.

Love, 

she feels,

at the drop of a hat,

for every face 

that smiles

only for a place

to empty his “trash”.

But if only she knew.

Understanding Men.

This morning, I got an e-mail from a young woman and here is an excerpt:

“…there is this question that has been nagging me all my adult life. At the grown age of 26, each relationship I have with a guy has never lasted beyond a few months. Initially, I thought the problem was me. But it has finally dawned on me that I’m not the problem. So, please tell me…what is it that I need to know about men?”

Alright, here is my humble response:

First of all, age does not define a man’s level of emotional maturity. A boy that transforms physically into a grown man may not necessarily mature emotionally. Such a man is described as refusing to grow up. This is why he cannot be expected to maintain a long term relationship or marriage.

Examples of men who are not grown emotionally are those who daily gape at online nude pictures of women. These are the same men that watch porno movies at every opportunity. And these are men in their forties and married. Some of them are church ministers while others are community leaders.

About a decade ago, an older colleague in his late forties wanted me to accompany him to a strip club. I politely told him that I was not interested. When he remarked that I was a prude, I quickly pointed out my reason for declining the offer. The fact of the matter was that by the time I was in my late twenties, I was already done with all types of club-hopping, hard-drinking, and other major “extra-curricula” activities.

This explains my constant irritation each time I see and hear a man in his forties or those within my age-bracket (over fifty) talking childishly about women, clubs and stuff like that. It’s also the main reason why I pity infatuated teenage girls and young women who think the guys in their lives will be available for ever. No sir! The guys are merely using them in the emotional developmental stages that include sexual experimentation.

In few instances where such a man ends up marrying his so-called high school or college "sweet hearts", the marriage will be fraught with abuses and dramas until it eventually ends in separation or divorce.

Women are therefore advised to be patient and wait till the most appropriate time in their lives before starting a relationship. The earlier a woman starts having a relationship, the earlier she gets her heart broken, period!

For the young women who are already being used as specimens by men in their emotional development, this issue is a “fait accompli” (it has happened… it has happened). Such women can only lick their wounds, summon enough courage and run!

When the time is ripe, a man who has already been through the emotional developmental stages and ready to settle down will come running after her. No woman should ever have to run after a man!

Never Ignore The Past

I used to wonder why some people (and especially women) just couldn't get it right easily in matters of the heart. But now, I know the reason: They ignore the past!

While it's alright to let go of past errors, but to shut out its lessons is similar to throwing a baby out with the bath water. This was the lesson I learned from an old friend many years ago.

I've never seen any woman that fell so quickly in love with every "dream man" instead of the "right man."

Back then, she had the prototype image of an educated, cultured, perfect gentleman in her mind and this was fair enough because she had the same qualities. The only problem however was that as soon as any man came along, she would proceed to "mold" him into her conceivable image much to the chagrin of the concerned men. For instance, she once spent a fortune to "kit up" one "creep" with some pretty suits and shoes just for the thug to look presentable. And as usual, the dude pretended to go through the charade until he had his fill of her "cookie" and then (like the others before him), he ran.

Incidentally, she just didn't get it. Each time, we talked and I had to listen to her sob story, she would always blame it all on the guys. Most times, her frustrating question was "what's wrong with guys?" That was until one day, I told her bluntly that "the question really is what the heck is wrong with YOU?" And when she looked confused, I asked further, when she would start learning from her past errors? 

I said since she knew what she wanted in a man, all she had to do was WAIT for the right man to show up (with all the right packages) instead of trying to mold every Tom, Dick or Harry that came along into her expectations.

To my surprise, it took only a few minutes for the message to sink in. She has since been happily married.

Ironically, she always thank me for making her look back to learn from her past errors. But I will always thank her for providing some useful lessons I can pass down to my daughters. 

Marriage: For Better or For Worse?

I was a witness to a real-life drama that happened this morning Tuesday May 29, 2012:

Phone rang and was answered by a woman.

Woman: Hello...

Jeweler (A man's voice): Hello, are you "so and so" that dropped a wedding ring with us for resizing at XYZ Jewelries?

Woman: Yes...is it ready for pick-up?

Jeweler: Yes ma'am! But I have an observation to make, if you don't mind.

Woman: No problem, what's it?

Jeweler: Ma'am...I'm afraid, your wedding ring must have been purchased from some TV informercial.

Woman: What do you mean?

Jeweler: Ma'am, I've been on this job for over twenty years and so, I know a cheap piece of junk when I see one.

Woman: What...are you talking about my wedding ring?

Jeweler: Yes ma'am! That ring should cost nothing more than forty or fifty Dollars....

Woman: No way! Wait...just wait a minute!

The woman dialed another number to make the call a 3-way conversation. And soon her future groom came on the line.

Woman: There is this gentleman from XYZ Jewelries on the line and I want you to hear what he is saying.

Jeweler: Are you the future groom sir?

Man: Yes...what's going on?

Jeweler: You must have purchased the wedding ring from a TV informercial because it's a piece of cheap junk.

Man: Excuse me! What is...

Woman (Interrupts her man rudely): Just wait and let the man talk...he has over twenty years experience as a jeweler.

Jeweler: Yes that's right...I'm an expert on jewelries...

Man: But I knew the ring I bought was not a piece of junk...you must be talking about some other rings.

Jeweler: Sir, I'm talking about the ring you bought.

Man: But...

Woman (Interrupts): No but, Okay! My daddy has spent a lot of money on this wedding.

Man (Sounds embarrassed): Hey baby...

Woman (Interrupts very rudely this time): Just shut it! My daddy spent a lot of money on this wedding. You only had to buy a wedding ring and all you could afford was a piece of junk?

Man: I beg your pardon?

Jeweler: Sir, you should have bought something special...for God's sake this is your fiancee...

Woman (Screams angrily): That's right...a fiancee. Thank God...I'm not yet his wife.

Man: Baby, can you please listen to me?

Woman: There is nothing to listen to...I'm not getting married to a cheap, lousy man who cannot afford to get his future bride a real ring except some piece of cheap junk!

As the woman continued to screams and disrespect her future groom, the so-called jeweler suddenly cut in to say:

Jeweler: Hey, this is Steve Harvey Show...

There was a sudden silence on all sides of the phone.

Woman (Recovers from the shock): Oh, no! No way...

Jeweler (Laughing): Yes...it was your niece (mentioned the name) that arranged for us to give you this prank phone call.

Woman (Showing remorse): Oh my God! Baby, I'm so sorry...

Man: (Said NOTHING!)

Woman: Baby, I'm really sorry...and I'll make it up to you...

END

It's amazing how some marriages are doomed long before they are solemnized. Actually, the future of most marriages are reduced and predicated on the mere weddings that precede them. Therefore, once the weddings are over, the marriages are as good as over. They are a huge joke that brings gross disrepute to the institution of marriage. As for the weddings, almost everyone of them are now like the Titanic, all pricey and flamboyant but without the necessary ingredients that can be used to lay a solid foundation for a marriage.  So, as soon as they take off, they hit the rocks.

The woman in the above drama is definitely more interested in the upcoming wedding than the marriage. She refused blatantly to give her future husband, at least, the benefits of the doubt. She distrusted and flagrantly disown the man's side of the argument against a completely unknown individual that simply described himself as a jeweler. Without being sarcastic or pessimistic, one can easily predict the fate of the couple's upcoming wedding because there is absolutely a lack of values on the part of the future bride.

It was tempting to say it took a mere radio show to show the type of person the woman was. But a deeper thought would indicate that her character traits had always been there with her. It's just that, like a typical man, the future husband must have been temporarily blinded by the "pretty face" and other mundane, superficial attributes to pay attention to the real thing, the sense of values. And usually, with such men, after a few weeks or months into the marriage, they will suddenly start to complain and ask questions about stuff they have known about all along.